Creative Kerfuffle

:::tap tap tap:::: anyone still out there?

2011-12-05T20:49:00.001-05:00

gah, you go away from your blog for about three months and blogger goes and changes its format! sheesh. i got a fancy new fangled phone at work and i thought that would make me MORE socail media savvy and get back to being on top of things, but obviously that didn't work.our lives are much busier now. i blogged on a regular basis when i was out of work because i had....TIME. before that, when i was employed, i could blog from work or at home in the evenings because i had....TIME. that was pre-karate, pre-high school, pre-soccer. life got full. i'm not complaining. i have so much to be grateful for.so, what's happened since september? i finally got busy at work and six+ months into this gig i like it. i do miss the creativity that i once had in previous jobs, but everything else is good. i get pissed off when people don't meet my deadlines--and now, rather than being an editor that had power over the people writing for me, i have none and that frustrates the hell out of me. but, all in all, it's not a bad gig.the girl is doing much better in high school (socially) than she did in middle school. she still struggles w/ making new friends, but, she doesn't feel like the only brainiac on the planet and is hanging out w/ different kids now. the boy is doing well in middle school and he is now a junior black belt in karate : ) that test involved a family trip out of town for a long weekend, which was pretty fun.we are going to OK to visit the hubs' dad (and his wife, the hubs' aunt) for christmas. the boy is beyond excited about this; the girl could care less; the hubs is happy to be seeing his dad but anxious about spending that much time w/ him and his wife in his mom's house; i think it's a good thing we're going because the hubs needs to see his dad, but i am not over the moon about being away from home for christmas--the first time we've done so in 14 years. i have taken for granted all of the holiday things we do, all of our quirks and traditions and a little part of me is sad that we'll miss that. but, the part that is happy for the hubs to see his dad and my son to see his grandpa is much bigger and outweighs that little sadness.the girl is taking driver's ed. she's in her second week of the classroom portion. it could be a few months before she gets to the actual driving part of it. can i tell you that this freaks me the hell out? the hubs actually had me try to bribe her into not taking it. laptop? $500? nope--she declined both and is taking the class. i know this is part of growing up and i am excited for her. but to me it just means all of those things that happen to your kids before they leave you are speeding up exponentially.those are the big things that come to the top of my mind when i think about the last three months. there have been little things--i made the hubs get rid of his caddy and get a newer car (too many miles, too much work needing done on the caddy); we had a scare w/ the black lab and had to take her to the emergency vet (she's ok now); i went to lunch w/ my mom and she proceeded to tell me she wanted to be closer and happy (like one lunch can erase years of neglect--needless to say i haven't heard from her much since then); the hubs and i celebrated 19 years of wedded bliss (of course we were out of town for the boy's karate test at the time, but still); we visited philadelphia (karate test weekend); i read the help and the latest sookie stackhouse book; we saw breaking dawn (i'm still team jacob); we went black friday shopping (that night, not in the morning) and i was overwhelmed w/ what people will go through to get STUFF.i will try to start reading blogs again and writing here again. i hope you all didn't give up on me completely. i do try to keep up w/ those of you who are on face libre ; )

what to do what to do

2011-09-26T17:45:00.002-05:00

the girl has been telling us about some troubling things going on with her friends lately.

first, did you know being bi or gay is the new in thing? well, i didn't. several of the girl's girlfriends say they are bi or lesbian...not one, not two...several. one of the girls has dated boys and girls (she is 14) and last year sort of hit on the girl. the girl admits she doesn't care if they are or aren't but that their talk about kissing girls or detailed talks about it make her uncomfortable and when she says something they make fun of her for being "christian" or a prude. granted, i think a lot of this is just talk--the girls think they're being cool or rebellious or on the cutting edge--and honestly i don't care if they're gay or not. but, it makes me curious that so many of the girls are talking about it. kinda puts me in mind of those teen pregnancy packs that were going around. did i miss something? is this a trend i didn't know about??

second, the girl has another friend who is posting all sorts of freaky stuff on her facebook page. writing and posting dark poems, claiming she's a cutter, that she's suicidal, taking all these dark pictures of herself and posting them online. i don't know her parents. my girl confronted her about it and the girl acted like she had no idea what she was talking about. the girl says she acts perfectly normal at school, is happy, has friends, etc. this particular girl has had issues in the past--in 7th grade she accused my daughter of bullying her, going so far as to make anonymous phone calls to the bully hotline. it was a strange situation. after that she started following my girl around like a puppy dog and now she's acting like this. again--i don't know if this is serious or just for show.

do i get involved? do i call her parents, whom i don't know, and tell them they need to look at their daughter's fb page?

and w/ the bi/gay thing--i know one of the girls parents fairly well (we don't hang out or anything but we run into each other all the time because of our daughters). i don't know if they know what's going on w/ their kid.

i'm hesitant to do anything because for now my girl talks to us and tells us everything. i worry that if i start talking to parents or getting involved she won't trust us and tell us things we need to know about herself.

what would you do?

if i only had the nerve

2011-09-21T21:42:00.002-05:00

in my head i am a balls out kind of person. i vent. i go off. i call people out on their totally fucktardiness. i am a badass mofo. in my head. in person i nod politely or hold my tongue (except of course w/ my family). maybe i should clarify...

yes for the love of god i do realize that changes on facebook are not the fucking end of the world, but, if i want to get on there and vent because they have made that thing such a fucking chore to use i don't even know why i bother, then don't write some holier than though post about how it's free and i'm not required to use it...blah blah blah. shut the fuck up. instead of writing that comment on fb i am sharing it w/ you here.

my sister has been posting that her middle child, the boy who creates havoc w/ all of the kids whenever we all get together, says he is getting picked on at school and she is fuming mad at the principal. my bro politely commented that his son said the same thing before and in the end they found out he was actually the one causing the problems. my sister apparently is one of those parents who thinks their kid can do no wrong. oy fucking vey. and after reading all of her other posts i'm quite sure her fucking house must be sparkling clean because that is all she talks about. or that someone is sick. or that she's just bought the kids some new cloths. i know i know--it's a free country, people can post whatever they like. but really? shut the fuck up already.

i am getting more into the rhythm of my workplace now and have discovered that i seriously fucking want to get one of those t-shirts that say...just because you waited until the very last minute to fucking get something done (even though i might have been prodding you about it for weeks) doesn't mean it is now my burden at the 11th hour. and while we're at it--omg...please, please please stop using the word ubiquitous. part of me thinks you are being witty by planting it in every paragraph of your work, but then i realize you aren't and it just makes me want to scream. also? can we just teach a class on marketing 101 to the whole fucking company? instead of saying this 12 times today i held myself in check, went out for a smoke, and then spewed all of this stupidity to the hubs on the phone as i was driving home.

and...man oh man. i am not a politically minded person by any means. while the hubs is a republican, i consider myself an independent, mainly because i can lean both ways depending on the issue. in a nutshell--i don't think the government has a right to tell me, if i make an ass load of money, that i should have to pay more in taxes because i made more money. flat tax across the board. i don't think the government should preclude people of any sex from getting married. i don't think they should tell churches what they can or can't do (not because i don't believe it in but i believe in the government staying out of the church's business). why should any one else care if two men or two women want to get married? are they marrying YOU? then get your fucking nose out of their business.

slumping along

2011-09-18T09:12:00.002-05:00

ah...fall is here this weekend. i don't know if she's here to stay, but she is here. sporting events yesterday for the girl and the nephew. good. chili for dinner. good. but...i have been slowly walking down this hill into....slump. i told my friend texas about it a while ago--it's like nothing BAD has happened, i am not having an issue (aside from the ongoing head-shaking stuff of my parents/sister). i have a job, even if there are days that i have to amuse myself for fear of falling asleep. those are the longest days. i am just....vanilla.

do you ever get that way? i am not sad over anything. nobody has burst my bubble. no one is being particularly dickish to me. i just feel blah.

i blew up at my family friday after work because of the house. when i was laid off the house was my job. i might not have been the best at it, but i did it. i resented it being taken for granted, but i did it. now that i'm working and the kids have afterschool/evening activities it seems overwhelming. the hubs handles 95% of the evening activities (the boy's karate) so that does count for something. gah, i just need to get over myself and buck up right?

my kids are healthy. they seem to be adjusting well to their first years of middle and high school. their grades so far are great. they are interested in new things (drama and band). the hubs is mostly the best husband ever. i have a job and am getting paid so i don't have to worry about how to pay the bills. so what the fuck is my problem????? i keep coming back to this part in the book the help (have you read it? if not you should, it's a great great read). one of the maids is just perplexed because her boss, who seemingly has everything a person could want/need (except for a child and friends) is blue all the time. the maid says something to the effect of, "it's just like a white person to have everything under the sun and and not be happy." i'm paraphrasing, but that's what i took away from it.

not the post you'd think today

2011-09-11T09:56:00.002-05:00

i thought about posting one of those, where i was 10 years ago today posts, but i just can't do it right now. i've read a few, and there are even more comments about it on fb and i just....don't want to feel sad.

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the cookout w/ the whole family last weekend was fine. empty. i told the hubs, it wasn't like when we get together w/ my bro/sil and the kids--happy, relaxing, fun, full of heart/love. i always look forward to any time we get to spend w/ them. i don't even think THEY know how much it means to me. but the cookout w/ the whole family...i actually dreaded it for days. i was not excited about it in any way. like any other time we all get together, it feels forced to me. it feels like we are all gathered out of obligation, not out of wanting to be w/ each other. the kids ran around playing as they always do, and, as always happens, my sister's middle child throws a wrench in things. he is a cute boy. if he changes his attitude and habits he will be a heart breaker some day. but--he is a tattle tale and a whiner and a sneak and a liar. granted, he's only in 1st grade, but my kids and my other nephew struggle to get along w/ him. my sister is also strange in that she doesn't let her kids do anything. my kids and my bro's kids (to include little puddin' who is 3) rough house and wrestle--my sister's kids are not allowed to do this. i was surprised that she let them play out in the yard w/ nerf guns (she doesn't permit gun/death play). i don't get this--how did she grow up in the same house i did? whatever. my mom did not go out of her way to interact with the grandkids--she asked for their birthday/christmas lists--further promoting the idea in my kids' heads that she's not there to love you, talk to you, care about you, just to give you stuff. she fb from my patio that she was enjoying the day w/ her kids and grandkids (all for the benefit of her sisters i'm sure).

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I am beginning to realize that this may actually be all there is to my job. Proof reading and juggling due dates. Pushing paper as it were. Waiting on feedback from others. Filling in excel spreadsheets. I have asked for more work. I have done everything but come right out and say most days I am bored senseless. I keep hearing, it will get busier. We’re coming up on our busy season. Hmmm. I’ve been here three months and I’m not seeing it. thank God they aren’t going to hire another person to do what I do, because really? That would be a gross waste of money. People here were under the impression that this was a time-consuming, tough job. Part of me wonders if there is something I’m supposed to be doing, that would take up some time, that I’m not. But, I’ve asked. The other part of me thinks that the person who last had this job had people snowed. Snowed better than any politician could imagine. Snowed more than Antarctica in the dead of winter. Snowed more than Charlie sheen’s glass-top coffee table. I have heard that she didn’t really pitch in to help anyone else out. Really? Sometimes that’s the only work I can get to fill the hours. I also heard that she holed up here in her office with the door shut all the time. Knowing the amount of work she didn’t have I guess I could see that because it would enable the taking of naps. I also heard that lots of guys frequented her office. Digging through some of the old files I have discovered that these guys were previously paid inordinate sums to produce things. Granted, part of my job is to work w/ these people producing things and to request payments for them, but, there is no paper trail to follow to discover how the previous person in this job came up w/ the payment figures. So…..I have some thoughts on this. One, she was padding their payments, doing part and or all of the work, and getting a kickback from them. The dirty minded part of me thinks she was getting kickbacks for other services she may have offered behind her closed office door. I have never spent so much time online, but it’s not even exactly what I’d like to do online because I can’t get to my email from work and I won’t risk actually blogging from work (just don’t know how much Big Brother pays attention) and though I can get to FB from work, I’m leery about being on there too much or posting or you know, playing those games I haven’t played in months. I make lists for myself. I do online crossword puzzles. I shouldn’t complain. As far as the big picture goes, I’m not complaining. I’m grateful to have a job. But the days go by so slowly when you don’t have a lot of work to do.

where does the time go?

2011-09-04T08:57:00.002-05:00

i swear, i blink and a week goes by. but, during that week it feels like it takes forever, like life is moving in slo-mo. it just hit me this week that part of the reason things feel so crazy is because not only am i working again, but, the boy has karate while i'm working. this is a first. he started taking karate when i got laid off. we didn't have the mad scrambling to get people where they need to be like we do now. and the girl's soccer has started back up.

we've always told the kids they could do one thing at a time, i'm glad we did. although, maybe i was kidding myself. both are involved in classes (orchestra, band, drama--yes, my shy little girl is not only taking theatre arts, she's joined the drama club AND tried out for her first play) that require extra time.

what is suffering? my house. i seriously started thinking about seeing how much it would cost to have someone come in and clean once a week. but really--once a week wouldn't be enough. the dog shedding requires vacuuming every day. laundry. etc. i think perhaps i might have to adjust my expectations as to what my house will look like for the next seven years? (until the youngest goes off to college). i'm not a clean freak (far from it) but i feel out of sorts and jittery when the house is out of whack.

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labor day weekend is finally here. what does this mean? family cookout. the WHOLE family (yes, my parents and my sister and her family). my bro and his family will also be here but i like them. this was the hubs' idea--giving peace a chance and making an effort and all of that bullshit. i am certainly not looking forward to it, like i look forward to the bro and his family coming over. my parents will sit around talking to the grown ups, and then wonder why they have no relationship w/ their grandkids (well, my kids and my bro's kids). she actually emailed me this week asking for christmas lists for them!? really? ask them yourself today! get to know them! sheesh!

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i didn't feel old until...

2011-08-28T21:49:00.003-05:00

....i watched the vmas tonight. today's my birthday. it has been a wonderful day--hubs and kids made breakfast (kids even picked out turkey bacon (nasty) because a few days ago i said we needed to get back on a healthy eating track); i got some kick ass presents (some of which you can see above); hubs grilled steaks; we shared a bottle of wine. perfect day.

then we watched the vmas. i didn't recognize many of the names. i shook my head at most of the performances, even lady g. i saw a commercial for...i can barely say it...a remake of footloose. what the hell is the world coming to? people accepting awards w/ the baggy pants and underwear showing. people dressed up w/ stuffed animals as accessories. i am old.

i have to admit a secret though...i have a bizarre crush on russell brand.

oy to the vey

2011-08-25T20:06:00.003-05:00

i am beginning to worry about my son. dude does not fucking listen to anything. he is not a bad kid. he's not mean or hateful. he's very respectful, creative, intelligent, caring, loving. but, oh, my, gawd he doesn't listen. he has no focus.

i can tell him something right to his face. three times. and it's like the words i am saying are going in one ear, and he hears me talking, but he cannot comprehend what i am saying.

for example--tonight he asked me, hey mom, do you know a jane doe? me, no, why. him, jane doe sent me a friend request on fb. is she a friend of yours? me, no, i don't know a jane doe. him, so are you friends w/ her? is she on your fb page? do i know her? me, SON, i do not know anyone named jane doe. him, didn't you used to work with someone named jane doe? SON!!!! i do not know anyone named jane doe!!! him, ok, ok, you don't need to yell. so, should i accept her friend request? hole.e.hell.

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so much too say

2011-08-14T09:46:00.002-05:00

thursday of this week i called the hubs from work. i was all excited because...omg...i was BUSY. yes, BUSY i tell you. (this phenom remained in tact on friday as well). when i have work to keep me busy (even if it is not the most sexy, creative work around) i am much happier. when i called to tell him this he was hanging out at my parents' house.

why in the hell would he be doing that you might ask? he's been carrying around this footlocker of anger/frustration over them most of the summer because of their lack of involvement in our kids' lives and the fact that they are shitty parents/grandparents. we spent hours rehashing his conversation that night, but basically he feels better, got a lot of his chest and they (once again) say that they want to be better, blah blah blah. i get the feeling that this might have been a repeat of a conversation my brother had with them about a year ago about communication and how they don't do it. whatever.

yesterday we went to a local karate tournament that the boy was competing in (didn't know we were doing this until the last minute). since starting karate two years ago he's been to half a dozen tournaments and i am perplexed. you'd think a sport/hobby/discipline as focused as karate would lend itself to an organized event. NOPE. i have never been to one that started on time or was organized well or that didn't have starts and stops as the organizers tried to figure out what they were doing. i don't understand that at all.

i also took the girl to get her school-do on. purple highlights. as much as i like our cool little hairdresser girl and her shop atmosphere and the others who work there, every time we leave we are not fully satisfied w/ the service we've received. the girl expressly told the hair dresser how much purple she wanted and where (because the last time she got blue and didn't specify, she didn't really get as much as she wanted). again...not as much purple as she wanted. and even though i was sitting there the whole time, i'm trying to figure out how such little coloring took two hours. the last time i got my hair highlighted there i was also underwhelmed. sigh, i fear i might be time to find another hair place. i hate that.

what the hell is happening?

2011-08-10T20:19:00.002-05:00

riots and fires and vandalism in london

for the first time in history the country's credit rating has been downgraded

three FUGITIVE siblings were caught in colorado after committing crimes in fl and ga

comprehending the debt the country is in is impossible

stephen hawking outlined exactly how the big bang created the universe and said that meant there was no need to say a god did it therefore there is no god

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sadly i have gone against my nature and, out of boredom, i read the news more often now. why? there is nothing positive in the news. the world is falling apart. seriously. falling apart. and? i read an article yesterday that basically said the japanese government didn't properly evacuate people after the reactor meltdown because they didn't know where to send them because the people who were supposed to be able to figure out the technical data about where that shit was blowing didn't know how to read the data. REALLY?

zzzzzzzzzz....wait...what? it's 5pm?

2011-08-09T18:18:00.003-05:00

i will preface this post by saying, yet again, that i am unbelievably thankful that i have a job. i am working for a good company. the people in my department are cool. it is laid back. i am thankful for a paycheck that allows me to pay the bills and actually start rebuilding from the last two years and planning for the future. i have friends who are still job hunting. i know the fear and anguish they face.

BUT...i have never been so freakin' bored in my life. i go in every morning thinking...how am i going to make the things on my to do list last all week? when i do have tasks to perform they are...boring. i am a paper pusher. the creative juices get drained at the door. there is no need for them. today i completed several online crossword puzzles and a sudoko puzzle between proofing ads that consist of one line of text and part numbers. i am editing a q&a article and trying to prevent myself from rewriting the whole thing just so i have something to do. part of my job entails creating (i use this term VERY loosely) blurb copy for weekly online newsletters. i am not only caught up on this task, i have all of the work for august done. my boss is on vacation this week, which makes it even slower for me. she keeps telling me it will get busy. there is scuttlebutt that we will be hiring more people in our department in the fall. i am wondering why.

i would rather be running around w/ too much on my plate than sitting there trying to figure out how to fill the day. it drives me nuts. i am cautious about playing around too much on the internet, which would fritter away a lot of time, because i don't know how closely this company monitors such things. i did, however, notice that when i've gone to talk w/ our graphics person about ads we're working on, she is either on fb or shopping online.

the hubs asked me today if everything was ok. i told him i am bored to freakin' death. but, still, glad to have a job. very glad to have a job. and i'm not looking for a job.

hazmat

2011-08-03T18:59:00.002-05:00

you know how most bathroom stalls are pretty standard? you have the toilet paper dispenser on the left side and usually a shiny metal trash bin on the right. well, in our work bathroom stalls there is another receptacle beside the tp dispenser w/ little bags for disposal of "necessary items" as it is labeled. there is also a paper toilet seat cover dispenser. some of the stalls also have a sign on the door, so when you sit down, you can read..."blood-born pathogens can be harmful. please wrap all necessary items and dispose of them in the bags before placing in the trash can."

there are also bigger, brown paper bags in the shiny metal trash bin on the right of the stall wall.

outside the stalls, on the wall, there is a necessary item dispenser (like many bathrooms have) but these are free.

today is day three of my needless period and i did not pack enough supplies to get me through the day. i don't know whether it's age or what, but i require both a pon and a pad, industrialabsorbancy in both.

now, since i have two "necessary items" to wrap and double bag every damn time i go to the bathroom (so i don't contaminate anything w/ blood-born pathogens) it takes awhile and it is noisy. i feel like i should be wearing a damn hazmat suit.

today the free supplies in the dispenser just weren't doing the job so at lunch i went out to the grocery store to pick up the industrialabsorbancy supplies i needed, so i wouldn't have to reload every damn hour.

i enter the grocery store and voila--there's a bogo sale on pepperridge farm cookies. snag, in the basket they go. i have to walk through the deli so i snagged some sushi to take back to my desk for lunch. i am circling the store (not my local grocery) to find the industrialabsorbancy items i require and find myself in the frozen food aisle. of course they aren't there, but there are bogo ice cream sandwiches. i snag those to take back to work to share w/ my co-workers. finally find the pons and get to the checkout--i look down at my basket--two bags of cookies, two boxes of ice cream sandwiches, a thing of sushi and a box of industrialabsorbancy pons--yeah, that's a period shop for ya.

hello? is anyone still here?

2011-07-28T21:14:00.002-05:00

i haven't posted in a long time...not because there hasn't been anything to write, but because i have less time than i used to.

the new job (how long are you at a job before you quit calling it the new job?) is going well. i have days of feeling completely overwhelmed. days where i feel like i must have been living under a rock for the last decade because there is so much i have to learn. days when i feel like if i have to attend one more meeting my head very well may explode. but, most of the time, i like it. my rose colored glasses are slipping down a little in that i don't think this is the picture perfect company i thought it was, but that happens w/ everyone doesn't it? the people in my department are mostly cool. the quiet ones are coming out of their shell a bit. i think they were probably shell shocked from the last person who had my job, from what i can gather. i think she was a bit of a bitch and they dreaded working with her. it's always good to come in behind someone others didn't love to death.

the summer is flying by, although i cannot wait for this heat and humidity to be gone. it makes me cranky.

last weekend we escaped the heat w/ my brother and his family. we took a day trip a couple of hours away along the blue ridge parkway. it was perfect. we found a picnic table by the stream and we enjoyed playing in the water. it was about 20 degrees cooler there. a breeze. shade. perfect. later in the afternoon it started thundering so we packed up and headed down the parkway. we stopped at a historic house along the parkway and sat on the huge wrap around porch overlooking the valley and a lake while it drizzled rain. it was sublime. it was the most relaxing, best day we've had in a long time.

i will try to be better about posting. i miss reading and being read. i hope you are all doing well. oxox

sleepy random post

2011-07-10T08:18:00.002-05:00

*the boy spent the night at a friend's house last night and the kid's dad just brought him home. otherwise i would still be asleep, like everyone else in the house.

*the hubs has had a summer cold for the last couple of days....hacking, headache, feeling like crap. i've been dosing him w/ nyquil in the evenings and mucinex during the day.

* i am sporting not one but three friendship bracelets made and given to me by the girl. i think there is an unwritten rule that if your 14 year old kid gives you a friendship bracelet you pretty much have to wear it for the rest of your life, even if you have a big meeting coming up on tuesday.

* the meeting isn't really THAT big of a deal, more like a pain in the ass. i have to organize said mtg. the head honcho likes to meet w/ a dozen or more people throughout the company each month (from all levels and divisions) and i have to make sure a dozen or more people are there and have not been there before and all of the computer equipment is set up and the agenda is ready and there are name plates, etc.

*at what point do you stop making people do something they don't want to do? my SIL is being the peacemaker in our family and has invited my folks and my sister to her house today to hang out. while normally we jump at the chance to hang out w/ my SIL/bro and the kids....my family groans when i tell them the rest of the guest list. at what point to i stop making them go to these get togethers?

*i have started investigating the prospect of visiting the FIL this year. in my perfect world we would board the dogs at cool kennel and fly to OK. price? $1800 before ANYTHING is done but flying/boarding. so...looks like we will be driving to OK this year. how do families afford vacations that require flying and/or staying in a hotel for more than 3 days?

* i am becoming desperate, desperate i tell you, to be at the beach, even if it is only for a 3-4 day weekend. actually, that would be just fine for me. i want to go so badly i can taste the saltwater in my mouth.

*we watched just go with it (which i keep wanting to call just do it....thank you nike) last night (adam sandler and jen anniston). good movie. laughed out loud a few times; love the actors, etc. i hope this isn't a spoiler---but they end up going to hawaii (a big group). so...sandler's character is paying for six people to fly and stay in hawaii. he didn't book ahead (so this is last minute pricing) and the two rooms he books are $8,000 and $12,000 a NIGHT. yes...i realize this is a movie and it is not a central part of the plot in anyway, but i fixated on that part. yeah, i'm weird.

it sneaks up on me, even in sleep

2011-07-04T08:01:00.003-05:00

i just had what felt like the longest and most realistic dream i've had in a very long time. my mom and my aunt were throwing a party for my sister. tons of people were there and although we were obviously at some one's house or apartment, i've never been before. there were lots of rooms and the party flowed inside and outside; it was a two story apartment so there were lots of decks and patios too. for the most part i wove in and out of these rooms, avoiding my mom and my aunt and my sister. i would go from room to room doing something---making sushi (which i cannot do) in one room, where the voice of my mom or aunt complained that you couldn't see the shrimp in it. i'd move on to another room to do something else. even if i didn't see them, i'd hear their voices and it would annoy me. eventually i decided to leave, just sneak out. but, the place was a wreck and while i didn't mind leaving my mom and aunt w/ the mess, i didn't want anyone else to think i'd ducked out w/out helping. so i was speed cleaning rooms. tossing plastic cups and plates, etc. then i got to the kitchen, and there they were. my aunt was washing dishes and bitching because my mom had invited my dad. i guess in this dream they were separated or something. my aunt's grandkids were dancing around in this kitchen w/ my mom, who was swinging them and laughing with them, enjoying them. then i exploded. i went off on my aunt and my mom and it was venomous. and then i woke up and i have tears in my eyes.

plethora of friends

2011-07-02T20:39:00.003-05:00

i hate that i've not had time to post anything here. i hate worse that i've not been around to read blogs much lately. while i love that i have a job now, i miss the quiet time and time with the kids and just time in general. but...i like being able to pay our bills and not worry about where the next round of money will come from. i like knowing that soon we will be saving for the future again.

the job is going well. i have so very much to learn. and....i fear that any creativity i may have used at work in the past will not be needed in this job. but...i will try to remain optimistic and maybe one day that will come too.

my friend texas came to visit a couple of weeks ago, over father's day. the hubs....who really is the most incredible man i know...practically shoved us out the door to go to dinner, alone, on father's day because we haven't been alone since we've reconnected. it was so good to just sit and talk. even though we email all the time...there's just something about sitting across the table from a long lost friend and sharing your thoughts.

in the same week we went out to dinner with a group of friends--five couples and our kids. we hadn't seen one of the families for several years (they moved out of state). the rest of us see each other every couple of months, but it was fun to have us all together again. it was amazing to see their kids and how much they've grown and to slip right back into the familiar jokes and stories and interactions.

today i caught up with another good friend big t. we don't see each other nearly enough, even though we live in neighboring towns. i have started describing my friends in emails to my friend texas. i want her to know the people who are important to me. i described big t as an older sister (although not that much older i should point out.) big t has been my lifesaver on more than one occasion. she is the friend who would come to get you out of jail; chastise you for being a dumbass if you'd done something stupid to get put in jail; and still give you a hug and stand by your side. she is often a voice of reason...but also filled with so many ideas and so much knowledge. she's an incredible woman. and i think if i weren't friends with her the hubs would be anyway because they are peas in a political pod.

i don't have nearly the time for blogging and reading and visiting with friends as i'd like to, but i hope they (and you) know just how much i value these threads weaving the tapestry of my life.

quiet in the house

2011-06-18T08:44:00.003-05:00

at least for a little while. everyone is still in bed. this is another thing i miss about being home. quiet time in the house. when i was home alone i never turned on the tv (except that one time i watched precious because i knew nobody else here would want to or should watch it).

last weekend we went to a karate camp for the boy in another city, about an hour and a half away. before going back to work it was just going to be the guys going, so we wouldn't have the expense of boarding the dogs. but, since i went back to work and got my first paycheck last week, we all went.

i have never thought of myself as a hotel/restaurant snob...but i think as i get older and wiser about how i spend my money, i expect certain things for a certain amount of money. we stayed at an embassy suites. the hubs and i had stayed at one once before, for one night for a wedding party. you don't get a feel for a hotel after one night, especially when you are partying. based on this weekend, i'd never stay at another embassy suites. the room is clean and nice enough, comfy bed. but...the lounge/bar/bistro food sucks. they do not have free wi-fi, and really, i'm not paying $10 a day for wi-fi. they did have a nice complementary breakfast, but it seemed like afterwards, their floor was sticky all damn day. only two elevators and one or the other was broken the whole time. it was an inconvenient hotel...as far as getting in and out w/ your luggage or parking etc. blah. but, the weekend itself was good. the boy enjoyed all karate all the time (although his instructor is really bad at organizing stuff like this and we probably won't do it again). the girl and i went shopping and she fell in love with the container store. it was good to get away for the weekend.

THIS weekend, i lucked out. my friend texas was to have a work meeting this coming week and it was up in the air about where it would be. in the city we just spent the weekend in or another further north. chaching...it's in the city near me! sooo.....she is flying here tomorrow and the hubs is driving her to her meeting city on monday (on his way to an out of town work trip). twice in one year i get to see her! how amazing is that?

my mom came to the boy's graduation tuesday and wednesday they left to go back to wv, taking two of my sister's kids. my parents are not on a schedule....they could have spent the rest of this week here...maybe doing something with their other four grandkids since school is out. maybe waiting until after my niece puddin' had oral surgery on friday. nope...they hit the road. my sister's kids will be up there with them until after july 4th. they will celebrate my oldest niece's bday there (my sister may or may not go up for it). my mom and sister apparently do not think there is any reason we can't or shouldn't go to an out-of-town birthday (5 hrs away). i'm sure she wouldn't see it this way, but to me it is glaringly obvious that my mom will no make an effort to be a grandma HERE, but she will fall all over herself to do it in wv where she has the audience of her sisters.

honestly i don't even get mad or care anymore...but it just confounds me. i will never understand what makes her do the things she does.

i survived

2011-06-16T18:06:00.003-05:00

tuesday was a big milestone for us. the boy graduated fifth grade and the girl 8th grade. we are saying goodbye to elementary school. it makes me sad. there are teachers i will miss and i realize that everything will start moving at warp speed now and i will blink my eye and four years will be gone and the girl will be off to college and the boy will be finishing high school.

monday night i was a nervous wreck. i was testy and snapping at the kids. it wasn't pretty at all. i apologized later, i knew it was nerves. the girl's mood wasn't much better; she was afraid she wouldn't get any awards. she did of course. the boy took everything in stride like he always does.

i wish i wasn't that mom that got so emotional at these types of things. i wish i was the mom who could just enjoy the moment and be happy. i do enjoy the moment and my heart soars with pride over my kids....but there's the other part that bawls like a baby because they are growing up so fast and each milestone like this takes them further away from me. yeah, i know...i'm a nut.

the hubs took off the rest of the week to hang out with the kids and next week they'll go to summer camp.

the new job is going well, though i don't know that i have quite the same enthusiasm i did those first couple of weeks. i am perplexed as to what it is i am to do day to day. my boss has given me pieces and parts of what my job entails, and people tell me to enjoy it right now because i will be swamped...but i just don't see how. i didn't have the benefit of my predecessor still being here when i got here to show me the ropes. this is a company that loves to have meetings and i suppose outlook calendar will become my best friend. i knew i would have a learning curve about the product, but didn't expect not to fully understand my role. i think i need to have a talk w/ my boss.

despite the fact that the company is huge, my department is small, 13 people. so far most of them seem really nice and they all seem to work well together, although there are obviously people who are better friends than others. there are 8 women and 5 men. the women seem to have paired off as far as who they eat lunch w/ etc. while the guys are usually the ones who ask everyone to lunch. strange dynamic. but...outside of our department i think the company is predominantly male. when my boss and i go to meetings outside of our department we are generally the only women there. this is such a different environment for me.

unconventional

2011-06-06T21:03:00.004-05:00

how about some eye candy? ok ok, in the truest sense of the word i suppose the following will not make the list of the top hawties or sexiest men, but i find them yummy. hmmm...i wonder what this says about me that i find these people attractive? LOL who's your unconventional crush?

vincent d'onofrio. mystic pizza. MIB. and of course svu. i think i actually fell for him because of svu. the way his character's brain works blows my mind. even all grizzly like this i think he's attractive.

ah..jean luc picard...i mean patrick stewart. he's a slight man, but the accent, the commanding, the bald head. nice. make it so indeed. (and for the record is is a kabillion times better than kirk.)

ah jack. he's teddy-bear cute. and we share a birthday. and he's funny as hell. and seems to be good with kids (hell, he's always hosting something on nickelodeon).

sofia vergara. modern family is one of my fave shows; i love all of the characters. but frankly, if i swung this way...omg. she is my girl crush. i wish i had her body.

frederick weller. marshall marshall...in plain sight. again, i love the way his character's brain works. he's geeky but smart and funny. that equals attractive.

oddly enough the one with the best body is the one i'm most embarrassed about. john cena. yes...of the wrestling ring. my son watches wrestling. it's worse than reality tv in my book. BUT...oh.my.lord. this boy has an amazing body. do you SEE those abs?

good weekend

2011-06-05T20:41:00.002-05:00

flowers are starting to bloom, well, have been in bloom, but this hollyhock finally started to bloom this weekend. i planted it a couple of years ago and this is the first summer it's bloomed. so excited. makes me want to plant more. they are soooo tall, 3-5 feet! we also made s'mores in the backyard this weekend, always yummy. saw the new pirate movie starring my boyfriend johnny (also yummy) and basically had a great weekend.

it is sunday night and i'm not dreading going to work in the morning. that's a good thing. i wonder if/when that will go away. before i got laid off i liked certain parts of the job i did, not the office politics or the bosses or the travel, but the actual day to day i mostly liked. although, admittedly i had been doing the same thing (although not always for the same magazine) for about 10 yrs and i was a bit bored with it. i think it will take me awhile to get bored at this new job.

growing pains

2011-06-04T09:27:00.002-05:00

we've been going through growing pains this year with the girl. she is ready to start spreading her wings and we (meaning me more so than the hubs) are not quite ready to let her. while the hubs isn't ready to push her out of the nest, he is more realistic, knowing that we can't keep her with us forever.

i think we've been pretty fair--we let her go to a boy/girl party; she went to the folly one night w/ just her friends (no adults); we've dropped her off at the movies, etc.

last night was the 8th grade semi-formal dance. months ago she talked about going, with her friends, and was excited to pick out a dress. weeks ago her group decided not go to to the dance, rather they'd go to the movies or someones house. they poo pooed the dance, it would be lame, nobody was going, etc. yeah middle school, god i'm glad i'm not in middle school.

i've been asking the girl for days what the plan was---movies? going to someones house? etc. she said she and another friend were going to a friend's house and the movies. THURSDAY--you know the day before friday--she presents this plan: a friend's mom (whom i know well and like) would pick her up around 3pm and take them to another friend's house (while her mom was still at work and an older brother or sister may or may not be present). that parent would come home at 5 and be there until the evening ended at 9pm.

i have never met this parent and my kid had never been to this person's house. i was opposed to her going there before the mom got home from work (plus this would leave our boy home alone for a couple of hours). we vetoed the idea but said we'd take her over when we (and the girl's mom) got home from work. she pouted and of course hated this idea.

the hubs got home before i did and took the girl to her friend's house. i went to pick her up at 9pm. a tall, teen aged boy answered the door (apparently the older brother). the mom was not there. at 9pm. i collected my kid and started backing out of the driveway. just then the mom pulls in behind me, and then drives through the grass around my car to park in her driveway. never says boo to me.

so....apparently the mom was there when the hubs took the girl over. the older brother was mostly at his girlfriend's house, though my girl is not really sure how much of the evening he was home. after the mother fixed the girls dinner...she LEFT with a friend. LEFT them alone until 9pm. i told the girl this particular friend is welcome to come to our house (and she has) but that i seriously doubted i'd be letting her go to that friend's house again due to the lack of parental supervision.

my kid of course thinks this means i don't trust her or that i think she and her friends are going to do something bad. i have told her a million and 12 times that it is not that i don't trust her or her friends, and that 9 times out of 10 nothing would happen and all would be well....but accidents are called accidents for a reason....that one time someone could get hurt or something could go wrong and no adult would be there. and frankly, i do worry about kids whose parents are so casual (at least in my mind) about their care.

people say we're over protective...and maybe we are. what do you think?

the end of a good week/weekend

2011-05-30T20:29:00.002-05:00

my first week back to work was great. my first three day weekend was great.

for the last two years that i've been unemployed we have been in such a limbo...i sort of feel like we are butterflies now, emerging from our cocoon. this weekend we planted some flowers in the pots on the patio (love me some clearance annuals for 50 cents. usually all they need is a bigger pot and some water), worked on the pool so it will most likely be ready this coming weekend and hung out with friends and family.

saturday evening we went to a friend's stock the bar party (they got a new bar). i got to hang w/ a couple of former co-workers and chill out. it was good. going to gatherings like that makes me appreciate the spouse i have even more. he is not perfect (neither am i) but he's perfect for me. i love to observe people and when you get a bunch of people together and there is alcohol involved, you can learn a lot about people and their relationships.

we got the kids' swimsuits this weekend--and surprisingly it was not a nightmare event finding a suit for the 14 yr old girl. she is over the moon happy about her suit. all is right with her world now. my bro and his family came over today to hang out. we hadn't seen them in awhile (he's working a lot) so it was good to reconnect with them. in a perfect world they would live in my neighborhood and we could see them all the time. hell, in a perfect world lots of people would live in my neighborhood and i could see them all the time.

i am still filled with these feelings of giddiness and shock that i am again a working girl and that we will not have to lose our house or move or rebuild our lives from nothing again. the hubs said my whole attitude has changed, as has his. this gigantic weight has been lifted from our shoulders and the loss of that burden makes it easier to deal with most anything right now. obviously life isn't perfect, but now there is more positive than negative. for so long the scales were tipped the other way it was hard to enjoy the good.

etiquette question

2011-05-27T18:24:00.002-05:00

so, now that i am back to work (thank GOD, no, really THANK YOU GOD), i don't have the freetime i once did. i cannot access my personal email or face libre from work (not that i've tried to get on fb at work, yet, but i can't even get to my yahoo email).

now when i do get a chance to look at fb i realize that i am friends w/ a lot of people i never talk to. i may comment on their posts from time to time (whether they comment on mine or not). some people have friended me and we've never even "talked" or caught up or said boo to each other.

i just pruned my friend tree. there are people on my list who friended me and seriously we never interacted. some i have tried to make comments on their posts and never get a response. so. i am being ruthless.

have you done this? how do you handle it?

also---possum....thank you for your comments : ) if i had your email addy i could respond...i always respond to comments via email. i need to add you to my blogroll too! : )

am i dreaming?

2011-05-24T20:29:00.002-05:00

i feel like i am in a dream. it scares me and makes me paranoid. i think this has the makings of the most excellent job ever working for the most excellent company ever. (remind me of this post 6-12 months from now when i'm sure i'll have found something to bitch about).

i have worked for big companies before, and i think maybe the last company i worked for was as big? but it was a dutch company and things seemed quite disconnected. i am working for a company w/ 3000 national employees and my office is in the hq building.

after two years....good things are happening for us. well, not just yet because i don't get paid until june 9, but i can see the light at the end of the tunnel now and i know it isn't an oncoming train.

the kids are coming home afterschool---not going to afterschool care or anything. it is bittersweet for me. i knew it would be hard on me. i keep trying to get an idea of how they feel about it, but it's only been two days. when school is out they will be going to a summer camp (daycare type setting) because i just can't think of them being here 24/7 all summer, alone, doing nothing except possibly killing each other.

when i came home today the girl had emptied the dishwasher i started before going to work, vaccuumed and started dinner. i was stunned! the hubs and i had discussed w/ the kids that they'd have to step up their game when i went back to work, and w/ that might come a bump in allowance. we'll see how long this lasts. i think we're all still in the honeymoon stages of it.

i really think i'm going to like the job...though to be honest i'm still finding out what it is exactly i'll be doing. i am swimming in a sea of technology and acronyms the likes of which i've never seen.

tomorrow our department is taking a team building field trip to the zoo : )

part of me feels guilty because i have a couple of friends who are still out of work; a couple of friends (and a hubs) who have jobs they hate hate hate; and a couple of friends who are working but are still struggling. i want to swoop them all up, to include my bro/sil, on this wave of good fortune we're getting ready to ride. in a perfect world i would get settled into this company and find out that they're hiring and the people i love would be perfect for the jobs.

a phone call from bubba ass

2011-05-21T19:15:00.003-05:00

ah gentle readers, i have just had a conversation with bubba ass. i don't know how many of you were reading me back then, august 2005; if you weren't you have to read the bubba ass post to get the full beauty of his amazing character. i couldn't have made this guy up if i tried. he is my bil (married to the hubs' sister).

since that visit in 2005 he has been to my house one other time. i looked for the blog post about that time---it too was a doozy as several of the hubs' family were visiting at the same time. one evening during that visit bubba got to me so badly i actually locked myself in our bathroom and smoked a j. then i emerged and ended up telling bubba ass that the only men i'd ever seen carrying around a mini dog like he'd just bought at the flee market (god help us) were gay.

flash forward to tonight's call. we'd just walked in the door (non sequitor---the hubs' boy and i were out running errands, the last being at the evil empire (walmart) and it was around rapture time. the hubs thought it would be oh so ironic if i got raptured at the evil empire of all places. i said if the ground starts shaking i'm at least driving next door to target.). the phone rang and i saw it was the hubs' sister so i picked it up.

me: hello?
them: hello, who is this?
me: uh, ck, who is THIS?
him: oh, it's bubba ass. you're actually who i wanted to talk to. (funny, since i'm the one you called.)
him: i wanted to ask you some questions about filing for unemployment.
me: ok. i'll answer what i can but the rules/regs in your state may differ from mine.
him: so you were out of work for two years?
me: yes.
him: how many jobs did you have to apply for each week?
me: once i signed up for unemployment i had a form to fill out and had to apply for two a week, though i applied for way more than that. i had a friend who had to apply for three. it might depend on what type of job you're looking for.
him: what type of job were you looking for?
me: uh....one in publishing or marketing.
him: and you couldn't find one in two years?
me: no. i freelanced, but no full time job.

he asked me lots of other questions like what do you do if you are offered a job and the pay isn't good. i said i was at the point where i would have taken anything so i had never turned a job down. he asked how you knew how much unemployment you'd get each week. i said it depended on your salary from the previous year. then he asked what my salary had been. of course i declined to answer that. then he asked what kind of company i was going to work for. i told him and said it was in the marketing department. he said, and you can do that? i informed him that yes, while my degree was in journalism i have a minor in marketing and that while most of my career has been in publishing i have also worked in a couple of marketing departments.

once he finished picking my brain about unemployment, thankfully the conversation ended. i wished him luck and hung up the phone.

i am still calling him bubba ass.

supporting the girls

2011-05-15T16:48:00.002-05:00

starting a new job in a weeks means i need some new clothes. i went bra shopping the other day. i hate bra shopping, but omg, i fell in love w/ the bras i got. nothing extravagant mind you, they're playtex, but they are so damn comfortable.

i have never spent much money on bras (these were on sale for under $20 each) and had never considered the big bolder bras. you know the ones, those that looks like tatas are in them even when they aren't? they're a little padded. i never considered them because i thought, hey, the girls are big enough on their own and i don't need padding and those big bolder bras look weird. i have always been an underwire girl---the girls need the support and the older i get the more support they need. the bras i had were at the point where it was like, ok, which one of these is going to hurt me the least, because all of the wires were poking out and stabbing me.

i got the padded, full cup bras and they are like heaven. seriously i have never felt more comfortable in a bra. the girls look perkier than they have in 20 years and i'm not being pinched or anything! love them! i seriously thought about taking a pic of the girls and posting it but thought better about it.

if you are a full figure gal or have bodacious tatas i highly recommend the playtex secrets line of overtheshoulderboulderholders. they even have pretty colors : )

You shit your pants this year, isn’t that enough?

2011-05-14T06:19:00.001-05:00

While I’m not a huge sex in the city follower, this one scene from one of the movies keeps running through my mind. Charlotte stops running when she finds out she’s pregnant, even though the doctor said all is well. When Carrie confronts her about it she confesses that she’s scared something bad will happen because she has everything she wants---blissfully married, a child, another on the way, life is filled w/ rainbows and unicorns etc. while one friend got left at the alter, another is talking divorce and a third broke up w/ her long term bf.

Charlotte is scared to death something bad will happen because her life is so good and nobody ever gets everything they wanted.

That is how I feel. I feel like someone is going to pinch me and I’m going to wake up from this dream. I have a job. I start a week from Monday—giving me time to take care of a few things I have put on hold because of not having a job. Getting the washer fixed so I don’t have to babysit it to keep it from overflowing when it drains; getting the dogs their latest round of shots (they’re only a month behind), etc.

I know no company is perfect, and my boss (omg I have a BOSS) alluded to roadblocks and frustrations we’d face, but everything I’ve learned and heard about this company screams awesome. When the hubs told his CFO where I’d be working he was blown away and said it was nearly impossible to get a job there and everyone wanted to work there because it was such a great company, great benefits, etc.

Aside from the tangibles—insurance is half of what we’re paying w/ hubs’ company; pay is more than I was making when I had a full-time job; matching 401k, etc. etc.—the company climate seems amazing. Dress code? Jeans—and not just on Fridays. (Although I went shopping for jeans yesterday and frankly, it’s going to be harder than I thought to find jeans I think I look halfway decent in.) Pranks? When I was meeting w/ them on Tuesday they were discussing what to do to part of the team’s area when they are at a conference this week. Team building? Two days after I start, my department is taking a fieldtrip to the zoo for team building and fun.

It has been a long, long two years of unemployment. You have been there every step of the way, reading post after post of whining and complaining and for that I thank you. There have been good things about these last two years—being with my kids more, being a mom, taking care of things and learning who my real friends are. I don’t think anyone will ever know just how much that means to me.

I have

2011-05-11T20:13:00.000-05:00

I have stood atop the Eiffel tower and the Empire State building
I have met Rick Springfield, a former Joint Chief of Staff and the founder of Build A Bear
I have crocheted a blanket
I have read Gone With the Wind and The Bell Jar
I have visited the Louve
I have known four of my great-grandparents
I have found my soul mate
I have been published although none of it has been creative
I have touched a snake and it wasn’t as bad as I thought
I have spent the summer camping in a platform tent in Texas
I have ridden on a motorcycle and a Greyhound bus and a train
I have tipped over in a canoe
I have broken my arm and have had stitches in my head and gave birth twice
I have a crescent shaped scare on one of my toes
I have a birthmark
I have a lovely pair of rose colored glasses that I wear way too often I’m told
I have written a eulogy…it was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write
I have visited Gettysburg
I have appeared on tv…admittedly it was when I was in third grade and my Brownie troop was on a local afternoon cartoon show
I have a tendency to be hateful, defensive and a bit of a hermit
I have taken a boat ride on the Seine and crossed the Rhine on a ferry
I have an acute allergy to poison ivy
I have realized I love being a stay at home mom, though financially it isn’t feasible
I have two siblings, one of whom I consider a best friend
I have the ability to burp on command
I have a mole beside my ear and my son gives it names
I have wasted a lot of time
I have loved penguins since I was in high school
I have lived in NC 24 years of my life (not consecutively) but still consider WV home even though I only lived there for nine years (not consecutively)
I have found true friendships in places that have surprised me
I have had chicken pox, pneumonia and a broken heart
I have rolled a joint
I have stapled my thumb
I have sat in a hospital fearful of the survival of my husband and daughter
I have lost a friend to cancer, another to a car wreck and several because we grew apart
I have visited three zoos
I have been on a bowling team
I have stood in awe at the beauty of Notre Dame
I have stood in silent despair in a concentration camp
I have seen the Grassy Knoll
I have a tiny bit of Cherokee blood in me
I have had dreams that people were pregnant that came true, including one about myself
I have slept on a waterbed
I have a flower tattoo
I have cried over a tv commercial….and greeting cards…and people making enchiladas
I have to have something to drink with me when I’m in the car…even if it’s just riding around town
I have been laid off three times but never been fired
I have a wild hair that springs from my upper arm occasionally and it is almost always about two inches long…overnight
I have to say every letter of the word sincerely in my head when I’m writing it
I have eaten snails
I have much to be grateful for, even though I don’t always remember to be grateful
I have a fear of going down escalators (but not up); suffocation; and getting a call that someone I love has died
I have slept in the car at a highway rest stop
I have been incredibly lucky in the good that’s been in my life, despite being unemployed for two years
I have a yen for Chinese food, homemade mac & cheese, brownies, asparagus and cheesecake
I have dug in the couch for change to buy something
I have a small window of time between a nice buzz and being shitfaced
I have a desire to be recognized for my creativity even though I haven’t a clue on how to start
I have to pinch myself sometimes because I am so lucky to have given birth to the most amazing people on the planet
I have a hand-washing compulsion
I have a J.O.B!!!!!

and so it begins

2011-05-06T18:50:00.002-05:00

....the end of childhood. i've been trying to prepare myself for this year for a long time. the year my daughter graduates middle school and my baby boy graduates elementary school. it will happen in june but we're already starting down the slippery slope of them gaining more independence and becoming teenagers.

well, technically the girl is the one spreading her wings right now, but it will just snowball and then they'll both be going off to college and leaving me.

last weekend the girl went to a boy/girl party. at a boy's house. i knew half of dozen of her friends who were going. girls. turns out there were like 10 girls there and the one boy. don't you find that odd? i do. she had a blast. watched scary movies (which she never does at home).

tonight she is going to a carnival/fair type of thing in our town. her and two friends. w/out parents. for the first time. i am .....scared, sad, nervous. i don't worry about her and her behavior or actions....yet. i worry about all the crazy fuckers in the world. i know she has a good head on her shoulders. but she's growing up. she wants to go out and do things w/ her friends. i will slowly lose my influence on her. i will have to trust that the hubs and i have done our jobs to prepare her. teach her. good lord this part of parenting is hard. i read this quote the other day about motherhood:

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone

i think the older my kids get the truer this statement becomes. i know i will be a blubbering idiot they day of their graduations. and yes, i know they are still children, partly, and this is nothing compared to high school graduation and college and omg....weddings. if i think about it too much i don't think i'd be able to stop crying.

so.....love up your kids folks....even when they're being annoying pains in the ass. because you're going to turn around one day and they'll be off on their own living their life. SOB!

love me some colin

2011-05-01T13:06:00.002-05:00

firth that is. although i didn't watch the live viewing of friday's wedding (i caught a recap that night) i did watch the king's speech last night. i love colin firth. although i don't think he is considered among the "hotties" i find him sublime and charming and personable and handsome. above hot if you will.

the movie was spectacular really. sad in many ways. i realize it's a movie, but the glimpse into that royal life is always mesmerizing. i had always had a more romantic, doe-eyed notion about edward giving up the throne for his true love, but in actuality he was a bit of an ass, she a bit of a player, and it's probably better he gave it up. i think england would be a much different county if he hadn't. i love the fact that although george vi's own parents were hands off and of that aristocratic age that didn't really take care of their own kids or show them love, he and elizabeth seemed to be loving parents.

i watched a recap of friday's wedding---though all those years ago i remember watching that wedding live and being touched and awed. looking at the clips of that now, i don't see the glowing love and affection that i thought i did then, things that were so obvious in this wedding. i liked the nods to di and the personal touches the couple put on their special day.

the hubs and i were talking, after watching the king's speech, and wondering what the english government will do this time around. not only is the next king divorced, he's remarried to a divorced woman. i think times have changed enough that this won't be an issue, but it was only two-generations ago that it was. interesting.

i like the fact that the new future queen doesn't have a royal drop of blood. i mean after all of this time i'd say they need to expand the gene pool right? and don't you know when william eventually watches this coverage he's going to come face to face (if he hasn't already) with the fact he's got a huge bald spot and harry has a nice full head of hair? wouldn't it be cool if kate's sister and william's brother got married?

10 day update

2011-04-29T08:08:00.002-05:00

wow. i just looked at my blog and realized it's been 10 days since i posted anything. hmmm.

i have been trying to keep up w/ reading/commenting but frankly am finding it difficult to concentrate enough to write a coherent post that isn't whining about not having a job.

in the last 10 days:

...the boy had a run in w/ the trampoline and required stitches in his knee. on a friday. an hour before the dr office closed; two hours before the girl's soccer game and all while the hubs was out of town. six stitches in his knee later and we were headed to the game. i thought i handled it pretty well. no hysterics (which i am ashamed to admit i am likely to do if the hubs is around to be the rock). after all was said and done i asked the kids how i did. did i seem calm, cool and collected? they laughed! they said i wasn't BAD but they knew i was freaking out because i was talking a lot and fast. ha...my attempt to calm them down and soothe them w/ chatter back fired evidently.

....easter came and went. although both kids have forsaken the easter bunny, he still visits. they were up at 6:30 am to collect said basket. really? it's fucking candy dudes. and one of those creepy faux live chipmunks they'd been wanting. we went to pie's (my sil's mom & dad) for easter dinner and it was so nice. pleasant. not irritating or nervous or a chore like it is when we go to my parents' house for anything. of course my parents are on their extended redneck vacation in wv. living in their new camper. posting on fb how much they miss their family. really? then why the fuck did you leave? i am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that they went out of town (i have no idea when they're coming back) right before a holiday, knowing when they left that it might possibly the last easter they'd get to spend w/ my kids if we had to move. but, whatev.

....for the last two weeks i have been on pins and needles about a job. in the last round of interviews i had, this one was the only one i hadn't yet received a reject letter. now they want me to come in next week for a lunch and to meet one of the company founders. this is a big company (they make things that make technology work--cell phones, computers, space stations, etc) and their benefits are AMAZING. the lunch thing has thrown me for a bit of a loop because i was given the impression that a decision was being made this week. all week i've been thinking i'd get the call that would either end in a fabulous job or end in us once and for all making the decision to move. so...still waiting. still in limbo.

....in the last two days i've also had a phone interview w/ a company that could be interesting. salary was more than i was making and there's a possibility of working from home. however, as good as that sounds, it is for a real estate company, which doesn't seem as stable as a tech company. i also have an interview today for a communications position w/ a local school district (where both my sil and bro work). i am not hopeful about this particular job because unless you are already in the system it's difficult to get a job.

.....flipping through tv channels this week the hubs landed on a show about the judds. while i don't listen to country music much, there are a few artists i enjoy and the judds are one of them. in this episode the mom was telling the daughter about their family history of craziness and abuse and admitted that she was sexually abused as a child. the mom was dealing w/ her own relationship w/ her mother and how she didn't protect her. she talked about how she was trying to learn to deal with the fact that the things her mother did and didn't do impacted her life. you can imagine how surreal that was for me to watch.

....we have had more than our fair share of tornado warnings/watches in the last few weeks. historical numbers is what the local news says. thankfully we have not seen the devastation that so many other states have had. there have been sightings and i think a few touched down, but no where near us. while i love rain and thunderstorms, the tornado warnings freak me the fuck out. our weather has been so strange....pleasant spring weather and then bam, it's 85 degrees, humid, and 75 degrees inside (which means i've had to turn the air conditioner on). i finally took the flannel sheets off the bed until fall.

i got the scoop

2011-04-19T18:38:00.003-05:00

remember when i told you i was intrigued by the girl's soccer coach and his wife and their family dynamic? (he's around my age, she's in her 20s and they have a daughter (who looks Hawaiian) who's the girl's age, a boy my boy's age, another daughter who is bi-racial and a two year old boy).

well, today i got the scoop. i'm sitting at the girl's soccer practice half watching and half reading riding on the bus with my sister (which is pretty good). the coach's wife plops down beside me and asks me if i'm reading that book about the retard. i said, well, this is the story of a sisters and one of them is mentally handicapped. she said she likes watching tv shows about retards because they're funny. OMG. then she asks me if i like retards or something.

the conversation turns to her being in sports in high school and then i nonchalantly ask when she and the coach met. she proceeds to tell me that he was married before (the mother of the oldest two kids) and the woman was a nut job. abused him, the kids and eventually killed herself. i was shocked. i said that's horrible, how old was the girl when this happened? she said, oh, it was long enough ago for her to be over it, she was about six! ok, first of all i don't think you ever get over the fact that a parent committed suicide, but secondly, that was only 8 or 9 yrs ago. sheesh! then she tells me she was on a softball scholarship to college and got knocked up with the third kid in the family (the bi-racial girl) and then about 8 years ago she and the coach met and started knocking boots (her words not mine) and the two year old is theirs together.

i can't decide if this girl is just immature and says the things she does or if she's actually that much of a prejudicial redneck to think the things she does.

clue to the less

2011-04-18T09:16:00.003-05:00

that is my mother. when i get to the point where i think nothing she does will surprise me....she pulls something else out of her hat. she and my dad retired in feb/march. granted i'm fairly certain they've run through most of the money they inherited from my gma and i doubt they have any plans for the future (savings, emergency fund, etc.). after getting the money they bought a camper that sits, year-round, on a site in wv. my mother decided it wasn't enough so they recently bought a newer, bigger one and are going to sell the old one. from day one my mother has told me she could not be the grandma to my kids that my grandma was to us because she worked and my gmas didn't. one of her goals, she said, w/ retiring was to spend more time with her kids and grandkids. since retiring she has spent part of a day of the kids' spring break with them. she has come to a couple of weekend soccer games. she has not called me or tried to interact w/ me at all since retiring (not that i would relish spending time w/ her but if you say you are retiring to spend time w/ your family you'd think you'd try to spend time w/ your family). a few weeks ago the hubs told my parents that things were coming down to the wire and that we might have to move to find me a job. he said we'd discussed it w/ the kids. my parents first wanted to know if i knew about the situation. you see, a marriage built on communication is a foreign concept to them. my mother has not said anything to me about this, called to discuss the fact i might be moving, nothing. why? well, she email the hubs at work and told him she hadn't said anything to me because she didn't know if i knew he'd told them. way to have my back mom. again w/ the lack of understanding a marriage of communication. i'm pretty sure if my son-in-law told me my daughter and grandchildren were possibly leaving the state i'd hop in my car and be knocking on my kid's front door. so they are off to wv to camp again, a week before easter. they did at least wait until the day after my niece puddin's birthday party (they didn't last year). they will be gone for weeks. and, for all she knows i could be moving before she gets back. my mom emails me this morning....asking how things are; asking about the boy (who had a run in w/ the trampoline friday afternoon and had to get 6 stitches!) and asking what we're doing for easter. really? you leave the family you wanted to spend time w/ to camp in wv and you ask today what we're doing for easter? such a clueless person. i told her i'm fine, starting to weed through things and clean out stuff in case we have to move; the boy is fine but worried about hobbling around on his field trip and that we're going to my sil's mom's for easter (pie asked us last week and i couldn't be happier). what kind of response did i get from my mother? "k"

i've never...

2011-04-13T22:23:00.003-05:00

I have never watched Grey’s Anatomy or Dancing with the Stars I’ve never read Moby Dick or the complete works of William Shakespeare I’ve never had a massage…at least not one done by a professional I’ve never been to Alaska or New England or Montana I never wrote for my school or college newspapers, even though technically I am a journalist I’ve never taken black and white pictures even though I love black and white pictures I’ve never played golf…unless it involved shooting a colored ball into an animal’s mouth I’ve never been in a helicopter but I’ve flown across the Atlantic six times I’ve never worn a mini skirt or a bikini I've never watched a whole Monty Python movie or TV episode I’ve never not liked coloring or reading I’ve never enjoyed solving math problems I’ve never gone to the movies by myself, nor have I ever lived by myself I’ve never broken a leg I’ve never been a good speller I’ve never owned a blue car and I’ve never driven a jeep or ridden in a convertible I’ve never been in a fist fight I’ve never taken a hot air balloon ride, but I think I’d like to I’ve never been able to understand how people can purposely, physically harm other people (aside from siblings of course) I’ve never been able to walk in high heels, and this doesn’t really bother me I’ve never been to a poetry reading, but I have been to a drag queen show I’ve never been in a boat on the ocean I've never read A Wrinkle in Time or The Great Gatsby I’ve never been skiing, but would love to go to a ski lodge I have never seen the Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore, the nation’s capitol or the Pacific Ocean I’ve never understood the deal with Schrödinger’s cat or how one Dalmatian could possibly have 101 puppies I’ve never ice skated on an actual frozen pond and I’ve never been a bridesmaid I’ve never understood the meaning behind Stairway to Heaven, though I love the song I’ve never liked brie or caviar and never got the point of toast points I’ve never sold anything I made with my own two hands I’ve never spanked my kids with a belt or washed their mouths out with soap I’ve never gone to church every Sunday for a year I’ve never read the Bible cover to cover I’ve never gone hunting, though I had to take hunting safety as part of my 7th grade science class in Pennsylvania I have never seen a whale in person I’ve never been able to easily go to sleep when the hubs is out of town I’ve never understood why they can’t make a comfortable bra I’ve never had a bacon sundae and I don’t think I want to I’ve never been much of a wine drinker, even though the hubs likes collecting wine based on if the label is funky or not I’ve never liked gin I’ve never worn pasties or learned how to pole dance I’ve never ridden in an ambulance, and frankly never want to I’ve never understood not liking someone because they are a different color or religion or because they have a different sexual preference I’ve never bet on the ponies or played craps or sat at a gambling table…though I’ve been to Vegas more than half a dozen times I’ve never turned the radio station away from a Rod Stewart song I’ve never understood how Jackson Pollock’s paintings can be so critically acclaimed when they look so incredibly simple, although I do really like his work I have never willingly eaten liver or deer or rabbit or rocky mountain oysters I've never witnessed an animal being born but I have witnessed a baby's birth I have never sewn a wearable outfit I've never thought of myself as pretty but I think I have a few nice features I have never been divorced or a twin or stabbed I've never run for the pleasure of it I've never snorted coke I've never not paid my taxes I've never fallen asleep at work but I did buy a j from a co-worker in the bathroom I've never learned how to play chess or the guitar or bridge I've never stayed awake for 24 hours I've never been on a sports team

in limbo

2011-04-12T06:08:00.002-05:00

the hubs and i have decided we can probably hold on until may. if i don't have a job by that time we're going to have to start getting rid of stuff, closing up shop and hitting the road. we've discussed it and while in theory moving in w/ his dad in oklahoma would be a good idea, realistically it probably wouldn't be. too much tension; too much emotional bullshit; too much angst. we would have made this decision--when to move--sooner i suppose but lately there have been more jobs to apply for and i've had more interviews. i haven't talked about them for fear of jinxing them, but apparently that's not working either. i had another interview about a week ago and i walked out of it feeling good. one thing about being unemployed for so long is i've started to feel pretty worthless. for someone who has always questioned their abilities anyway, getting a reject letter based on a resume sucks, but getting a reject letter based on what you thought was a good interview sucks even worse. i keep thinking things could be worse. i could work in a city where 41 people were killed in a 24 hour time frame; a wife of one of my husband's coworkers could have been kidnapped in the same city; my brother-in-law could have committed suicide and i could have just found out my mom has cancer. all of these things have happened to people i know and not to me. for this i am thankful but sad and scared for them. ********************* the girl has brought home paperwork to sign up for driver's ed over the summer....a summer that may find us in another state altogether. the bulb catalogs and trays of flowers at the garden centers taunt me. i won't buy or plant anything until i know we'd be here to enjoy the fruits of our labors. though we've cut the grass, mowed, weeded, etc. (and i've got the poison ivy to prove it) we haven't brought out the fountains or the hammock. limbo. out conversations are peppered with....when you get a job we'll do this; if we move we'll have to get rid of this. looking around the house/yard i am overwhelmed. where will i start? obviously we won't be able to take everything if we move. maybe i should just tag everything for sale and open the floodgates. we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. i feel like i say that a lot, if not out loud, certainly in my head. we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. *********************** the boy and i watched 127 hours this weekend. interesting how they turned that incident into a full-length movie. james franco still creeps me out. it was good. the cinematography was breathtaking, however i'm even more convinced that you will never catch me hiking in a canyon, even if i'm with other people. the natural beauty and wonder would be breathtaking, but i'm pretty sure i'm too much of a wuss to be in that environment.

spring?

2011-04-05T15:09:00.002-05:00

what's better than roses on a piano? tulips on an organ.

yes, i know it's a horrible joke

the kids' spring break last week kicked off w/ snow (which quickly melted). the week also brought rain, gray skies and chilly weather. we had a day of sun and then a beautiful, albeit windy, weekend. yesterday was another gorgeous day and after our weekend of yard work i had to say it looks really good. last night a storm from hell. while i do love me some thunder storms, i don't love wind and tornado warnings. we're supposed to have frost this weekend so i thought i should take a pic of the tulips before they're gone. i have green buds all over the place, but the tulips are the only blooms so far. i really do love spring, just wish it would warm up a tad.

things that make you go hmmm....

2011-03-28T08:13:00.002-05:00

.....it's the kids' first day of spring break and we woke up to snow. it has been snowing now for a little more than an hour. the ground isn't covered yet, but i'm wondering just how much of this white stuff we're supposed to get. ......i just finished the girl w/ the dragon tattoo last night, not realizing that this is a trilogy and not realizing that the author died about six years ago. .......we went to my parents' house yesterday for dinner. don't ask my why. i honestly have no idea why i said yes when she asked me. anyway...while we're there she asks the girl if there are any movies out there that she'd like to see (the day before the girl asked me if we could see rango this week while they're on spring break). the girl said no, not really, nothing out there interests her right now. my mom then said, well, would you like to go bowling or skating or out to lunch or something this week....the girl said, i have a book to read for school this week. omg. it is true that's she's reading a tale of two cities, but she basically told my mom she has to wash her hair and it's going to take all week. i wonder if my mom got the hint? ......i realize that my mom comes to some of the girl's soccer games and recently has invited us to dinner, but we have to keep in mind that in the last 14 years this is probably the most repeated attention the parental units have shown my kids (and really this is more directed at the girl than the boy). i think my mom thinks if she comes to soccer games that makes up for 14 years of neglect.

i'm not glowing enough

2011-03-26T11:23:00.004-05:00

apparently i do not have what it takes to write marketing material for an ethnic haircare company. when i applied for this job about a month ago i immediately thought of coming to american and eriq la salle hawking soul glo. (i really preferred him on ER.) about two weeks ago i had an interview. i did not say anything because every time i've had an interview before i talked about it and didn't get the job. so, i started thinking like a baseball player who wears the same dirty socks all season when he's on a winning streak--i would not jinx myself by speaking of the interview.

it went really, really well. at least i thought so at the time. the company is small and they do indeed make black haircare products. the two women who interviewed me were friendly and gave me positive feedback. during the interview they asked me what my favorite book was. i said eat, pray, love (mainly because that's what had been on my mind at that point, not because that is my fave book ever). they then gave me about 30 minutes to write a tweet, blog post and and email ad for eat pray love. holy crap. again, they said it was good. they left me w/ the impression that they liked me for the job and that they would be moving quickly to fill it.

i called a week later (something i don't normally do because companies tell you not to call). i called again this week. she said she was just the first step on the interview ladder and she was sure there would be more interviews to come, but they were swamped right now. ok, i still had hope.

last night i got an email from the company thanking me for my time but telling me they didn't think i was a good fit for the position. ah....nice way to kick off the weekend, rejected. there is no soul glo in my future.

taking deep breaths

2011-03-22T08:21:00.002-05:00

i guess having an exit plan (ie losing the house and moving to oklahoma) makes me feel a bit better, even if it is not a plan we love. i do not feel as hopeless these last few days. maybe it's the fact that i have something more productive to do than cleaning house (ie freelancing). maybe it's the fact that the sun has been shining and things are growing and birds are chirping (and the grass needs cut in a bad way). maybe it's the fact that i turned the radio back on. in bouts of depression i am like a nazi prison guard with myself, although when it's happening i am not aware of it. when i am in a funk i deprive myself of music. it's so incredibly stupid really. but, prince is coming to town and i turned the radio on to try to win tickets (epic fail) because as much as i love the sexy purple one, tickets are not in the budget. so, the radio has been on most days and i am the better for it.

*****************
the guys were out of town at a karate competition this weekend (the boy racked up....3 first places, a couple of seconds and thirds) so the girl and i played lots of cards and watched chick flicks. she also had a kick ass soccer game, which my parents attended. afterwards they took us to dinner.

during the game my mom proceded to air my sister's laundry and when she finished she just looked at me and said, i'm sure she wouldn't have wanted me to tell you all of that. ya don't say? and she wonders why i don't give her more details of my life. i'm still stewing over the fact that it took her two days to call me after i told her about my cancer scare. really? fucking really???? during dinner my dad made reference to the horrid t-shirt he was wearing. first, you should know, if mork from ork was a gay redneck, my dad would have his look nailed down. my dad wears w-i-d-e rainbow suspenders (all the fucking time) AND a belt. he wears them w/ t-shirts or polo shirts, he's not picky. and always a baseball hat. so we're sitting at dinner, the suspenders are across from me. he is wearing a t-shirt that is tye-dyed burnt orange and has a very bright, southwestern grapic on it. this is a shirt you'd find at a road side stand for $2 i'm quite sure. my dad made sure to tell me his sister sent it (and another) to him for his birthday. the birthday that was a week ago that i have not yet acknowledged. (neither has my brother.) the weekend that they were out of town and took two days to call me.

i should feel like a horrible daughter for not wishing him a happy birthday but...in all fairness i can't remember the last time he wished me happy birthday, even if i was in his face on my birthday. forget about calling me. also, i can't remember the last time i gave him a gift that he used or even took out of its packaging. so....what's the point?

****************************
the interview i did on friday, with the lady who got the job that i so badly wanted, made me reazlie that i was not a good fit for that job. although i thought my passion for gardening and my stellar work history and writing abilities would be a perfect fit for the position, i now see that when working for a non-prof at that level it helps to be connected to people in the community. this woman was spouting details about supporters and people in the gardening community at large that i'm sure i would never know. i think she comes from a non-prof background as well, so there's that.

alles klar herr kommissar

2011-03-17T13:31:00.002-05:00

well, mostly. i do have a tiny cyst behind the left nip, but they say cysts are common in breasticles. just because there is something in there i will have to go back in 6 months to make sure it's not growing or anything. whew!

***************
we talked to the kids this weekend about how dire the straits are. we didn't go into great detail but we did tell them there is a possibility that we'll have to move. as in give up the house and tote our asses to ok to mooch off of the fil for awhile. lord knows this isn't what we want to do, but it would be the most practical thing to do if it comes to that. the boy's first thought was--omg if we move i won't get my black belt in the fall. he's 11 so i can understand his point of view. that is his world. this big picture shit doesn't really compute in his head. the girl's first thought was--omg i'll have to leave everything i've ever known. i think she is more worried about it than the boy.

***************
isn't it ironic? one of the freelance gigs i just picked up is to write an article about the botanical gardens i so desperately wanted to work for. in fact? tomorrow morning i'm interviewing the person who got the exact job i wanted. nice.

***************
freelancing truly is a feast or famine gig. well, i can't say FEAST because it's not, but i either have no work or several projects at the same time. this week i have four things going, all with deadlines over the next few days. while the extra money is certainly needed, it's not a ton of money and two of the jobs are for a company that takes forfuckingever to pay.

**************
i finally watched the movie eat, pray, love. i think i loved it almost as much as i loved the book. i know the movie didn't get stellar reviews and when i posted about it on fb some said they didn't like it and one even hated it. i think the story hit me at the right time---it's all about internal conflict and life changes, and that's exactly where i am right now. and, while i like julia, her top lip is really distracting, it seems to have grown. james franco has begun to creep me out a bit. javier bardem, on the other hand, omg....steamy.

a tale of two titties

2011-03-16T05:26:00.004-05:00

scene: last wednesday

i am drifting through the house cleaning, wondering if we really will be able to stretch the money out another month and wondering how the fuck it can be possible that despite the fact that i haven't worked in two years that we OWE on our taxes, and wondering why companies are taking so fucking long to hire people, when the phone rings.

me: hello? (i can see from caller id that it is my friend big t and not a medical bill collector)

big t: hey! how are you?

i have come to think of big t as my guardian angel on earth in many ways. we don't talk every week or see each other all that often, but she has been a blessing in my life since day one. she too is unemployed and so we commiserated on the state of the economy for awhile. both of our call waitings went off a few times so we got off the phone.

i listen to my voicemail.

voicemail: hello, this is the breast clinic, we need you to call us.

me: (thinking) odd, wonder why they didn't just send me a paper telling me everything was fine.

i call back.

breast clinic: yes mrs. ck, you had a mammogram last week and the doctors want you to come in for another one and an ultrasound. because you have fucked up insurance we can't do both procedures on the same day though.

me: wait what? they want me to come back in because they images were bad or something?

breast clinic: (very gently) no ma'am. you have a nodule on your left breasticle and the doctors want more images of it because it wasn't there before.

me: (in my head) omfg i am going to die. i'm going to die. (i tend to hyperbole.) i have always been the healthy one and the hubs has all of the medical issues and i am going to fucking die first. i don't even have a history of breast cancer. i didn't even feel a fucking lump. wtf?

me: (out loud) ok. (breathing) ok. when can i make the appointment. friday? good. thank you.

i'm sobbing, close to hyperventilating. this cannot be happening to me. it is a wednesday. i am unemployed. we are about to go under. my daughter is on a school field trip in dc having a good time and my boy is at school, missing his sister this week. this cannot be happening to me.

i call the hubs, selfishly disregarding the fact that he could be in the middle of a meeting or in one of his stores or that he's at work for fuck's sake.

me: (sobbing, probably garbled and unclear) ihadamammogramlastweekandtheywantmetocomebackforanotherbecausetheyfoundalump. (i'm pretty sure that's exactly how it came out).

the hubs: what?!

me: they found a lump. i have to have another mammogram and an ultrasound.

the hubs: ok, it's ok. hey, it's going to be ok. i'll be home in a little bit.

i called big t back, or she called me (i can't remember which).

she picked up a thread of a conversation we'd been having earlier.

me: (interrupting her mid-sentence) i have to go in for a second mammogram, they found a lump. (then i started crying again.)

big t: when? i'll come with you.

the next two days actually took about 674 million years because that's how time flies when you are waiting on something like a second mammogram or test results or the like.

i spend the next two days feeling myself up. i still can't feel anything. the hubs spends the next two days researching breast cancer. he tells me that most likely they will tell me it's a cyst or something non-cancerous. worst worst case scenario will not be death like i am assuming because if it is something they've caught it early. most likely it would be a lumpectomy or removal and radiation/chemo. he is strong. he comforts me and reassures me. i know though that he is scared to death too.

big t not only goes to the appt. w/ me but insists on driving me because she's sure when they tell me it's just a cyst i will be too emotional to drive. the hubs has to be around for the boy when he gets home from school and to take him to karate and the girl is due back from her dc field trip that evening. (turns out she didn't get home till 8 pm). the hubs is all kind of sideways that he can't take me to the appt. it's because of our damn astute kids. if someone else was picking them up like that they would know something was up.

friday comes. i get the boob squished. big t and i wait. and wait.

the nurse: there is a cyst or nodule in there, it's behind your nipple that's why you can't feel it. the doctor still wants the ultrasound next week to see exactly what kind of thing it is, but it doesn't look like cancer. it's not all big and scary looking.

i teared up a little bit: so it's not cancer?

the nurse: well, i'm not a doctor but no, i don't think so. after the ultrasound they might want to see you every six months to check on it, but it just looks like a cyst.

big t: see! i told you. you may now bow down to me and acknowledge my supremeness and say big t i will never doubt you again (i'm paraphrasing.)

i call the hubs and give him the good news. we all breathe a sigh of relief.

(i gave this the title a tale of two titties because the girl is reading a tale of two cities for school and for some reason it made sense to me)

i have a great simile

2011-03-08T04:26:00.003-05:00

or maybe it's a metaphor...it is just after 4 am so i really don't know and don't care.

being unemployed is like facing the zombie apocolypse.

the hubs and i recently watched the first season of amc's the walking dead. it's a zombie series based on "graphic novels" (comic books). ok, before you start laughing and looking down your nose...it's really fucking good. i'm kinda pissed i don't know when the next season starts. hell, i don't even know if the graphic novels for the next season have been written. this is the type of zombie show that is perfect for people who don't really like zombies in that they are not all stereotypically walking around screaming brains. it is not a horror show, per se.

being unemployed has had it's ups and downs....kinda like if the world were infected with zombies and lots of people died off and society as we know it collapsed. the day to day pressures are gone---appointments, jobs, etc. but the whole survival thing is a bitch. you have minor accomplisments--an interview/slaying a pack of "walkers"before they eat you; some freelance work/finding other humans and setting up camp with them; seeing light at the end of the tunnel; thinking maybe it's just this one location that's been affected by the mutant zombie fever.

at some point--like maybe when someone in your camp gets bitten and turns into a zombie--or you are literally weeks (as in less than six) away from the end--hope fucking flies out the window.

hiding the bra and panties

2011-03-04T10:30:00.003-05:00

i had my annual who-ha check-up today (turns out my last one wasn't as recent as i thought it had been). i haven't been to an actual gyno in years...since i had the boy and no longer worked in the same town as the gyno office was. for years i've been seeing a nurse practitioner in my own town. i have no major medical problems so i don't warrant a lot of medical care; take no meds, etc. it's convenient and i like the woman i see.

i went through all of the normal stuff, blood pressure--check (it's always good); previous numbers (cholesterol, good and bad, always great). i think these things surprise some people because i am overweight and i smoke, though i have lost weight since my last visit and i do think about quitting smoking (when life is not so stressful).

then comes the lovely, strip, put on this stupid gown that opens in the front (thank god my dr's office uses the cloth gowns instead of the paper ones because those suck!) and kitty (that's what i'm calling my nurse practitioner because her name is the same name as my bro/sil's cat!) will be in in a minute. i strip. fold the clothes---HIDE THE BRA AND PANTIES under the clothes. why oh why do we do this? really. but, i did it and thought how stupid i was being while i was doing it.

kitty comes in w/ her student follower. she introduces her. holy shit it's a woman i worked w/ 11 years ago! at first i didn't place her, but i knew i knew her. we finally figured out how we knew each other and went on from there. so very strange. a few years after she left the company we worked for she went back to get another degree....this time in nursing, and she graduates in a couple of months. wow. thankfully she didn't stay in the room for the who-ha exam because while having two kids and being a woman in her 40s means lots of people have looked down there...not really comfortable having someone i used to work w/ see me in that position.

the exam was uneventful until kitty looks at my chart and says...hey...it's time for another mammogram. ugh. really? i just had one like....i don't know a couple of years ago. as i'm waiting to get my blood testing done (my other favorite part of the visit--she's doing the routine stuff but also some additional testing to find out if my irregular aunt flo visits are pre-menopausal or something else) kitty says i can go next door to the imaging center in 10 minutes to get the girls squashed. lovely.

the first time i had a mammogram i dreaded it, because it was unknown, but really it wasn't as bad as i'd heard they were. today...holy crap it felt like the tech really had it out for my boobs (even though she was perfectly nice) because i swear to god they were squashed beyond recognition. if there was a lump or cyst or anything in there i'm sure she popped it. ewwwwww...yes i know that's gross and impossible, but still.

sometimes i just shake my head

2011-03-02T10:13:00.002-05:00

i've written a few posts bitching and moaning about life and just haven't published them because really, i'm pretty sure you're tired of hearing me whine. i know i'm tired of it.

instead i will be all snarky and talk about the wife of the girl's soccer coach. i think i've mentioned her before. i'm intrigued by their family dynamic--the difference in ages between the husband and wife; the varying ages/ethnicity of the kids; etc.

the wife is in her 20s and the husband is around my age (i'm guessing) which is early 40s. a week or so ago we pulled into the parking lot for one of the girl's indoor soccer games. the coach's truck looked like it might have been on an episode of punk my ride or something. the back window was decal laden with scroll work and each family member's name listed. the hubs and i just looked at each other thinking, yep, the wife had that done.

this week at practice the wife was talking about listening to a band over the weekend and how they played oldies music. i couldn't resist so i asked her....and what is oldies music to you? to be fair she said neil diamond. then she showed me her new tattoo....it goes across her shoulder blades....it is the scroll work from the truck window and the family names. (yes, she also had a tramp stamp)

their eldest daughter (and the one the girl plays soccer with) is in the girl's grade and they are going on a trip to dc next week. last week they got their room assignments. the coach's wife said her kid was happy w/ her assignment but that another friend wasn't going because the girl she had to room w/ is one that apparently nobody likes. this woman then began to talk smack about the kid that nobody likes....saying she stinks and she's weird and she always "hits" on her. i was stunned. completely stunned. don't get me wrong, there are kids my kids go to school w/ that i don't like, but....i don't go around talking about them like i'm in middle school. that is exactly what this mom was doing. i know my mouth was hanging open...but before i could think of something to say she saw something shiny and walked off. (ok, she went after a soccer ball, but still, you get the point.)

i think she's probably closer in age to the girls on the team than to her husband. i always wonder about couples like that because while i'm sure (as the hubs says is almost always true in these cases) sex is the big draw at this stage of the game.....what the hell are they going to do in 20 years? or 30 years?

today i fell in love...

2011-02-24T13:48:00.003-05:00

....with my sister-in-law's mother. the hubs and i have always liked her. she is an incredible grandmother to my niece and nephew so we've always envied that. she actually PLAYS with her grandchildren! the hubs has always joked with my brother that he'd like to trade mils. well, actually he really would but, you know what i mean.

i'm going to call her pie (because she makes awesome pies and she is so damn sweet). pie had surgery last week and i thought it would be nice if i went to visit her. i finally got the chance today.

i was there for three hours. we talked about all sorts of things....the girl going to high school; my sister's upcoming move; my niece and nephew; cats; my sil's sister; our childhoods. i learned so much about her and it felt good to talk to her. i don't know if it's this pre-menopause thing i think i'm going through or what, but i got choked up a few times (and so did she).

i think i am always subconsciously looking for a parental unit. several times through the years i have been drawn to older women i work with or for..like mom-age women...and sort of let myself be taken under their wings. the first real job i had after college brought one such woman into my life. she was actually a friend of my mom's too...but she was my boss and became a good friend. i could talk to her about anything and she was such an incredible woman. i was devastated when she died. my second to last boss was considered a ball breaker by many, but i looked up to her and felt daughterly towards her in a strange kind of way.

i have no idea where this train of thought is going....but i recognize that in life you search for the things you need, even if you don't know it. my sil is lucky to have such a mom.

this is why i shouldn't have more babies....

2011-02-22T06:17:00.003-05:00

.....the girl (who is one of two still getting over an infectious crud in our house right now) woke up around 3am w/ a coughing fit. i had been dead to the world since 11:30.

i got up, got her some water and cough syrup. it took all of 3.4 minutes. i laid back down (i'm not sure i opened my eyes during the 3.4 minutes except to read the dosage on the medicine cup.) the hubs (the other person getting over the infectious crud) was snoring much, much louder than normal. after 18 years i've learned to sleep with a snorer (mostly because i fall asleep before he does).

i am sure i tossed and turned for awhile (20-30 minutes)before being able to sufficiently ignore the snoring.

when the alarm went off at 6am i felt like shooting it.

this is just one example of why i shouldn't have more babies.....i cannot get up in the middle of the night for even 3.4 minutes let alone 2-3 times to feed a kid.

tiltowhirl

2011-02-21T22:46:00.002-05:00

sometimes i am able to pull my head up long enough to get a different perspective and to realize that no matter what the circumstances, things can always get worse.

then i blink and holy hell. on the tmi front---i am almost 100% convinced i'm peri-menopausal. i had that stupid useless (at this stage in life) visit from that dumb bitch aunt flo last week and she left two days ago. apparently, flo is getting on in years, getting senile, so she came back to visit today. really? REALLY? i have one of those fun checkups in a couple of weeks and we will seriously be discussing the inevitability of aunt flo moving to a fucking retirement home.

the girl and i went to high school open house tonight. omfg. i think even if i were emotionally stable these days that would have thrown me for a loop. the school is huge. 2000 students. wtf? so many breeders out there! sheesh. despite all of the research and thoughts of magnet schools etc. she will most likely go to this school. she did get into a magnet, but it would be for two years and then she'd have to pick another school. plus transportation to any of the magnets is a pain in the ass and honestly, if we lose the house where she goes to high school will be the least of our worries.

the girl handled this open house much better than i did. the damn principal kept referring to them as the class of 2015...she said it elebenty billion times, like freshmen parents aren't freaking the hell out enough w/out her throwing it in our face than in 4 years our babies will be gone. bitch.

finding a patch of sun

2011-02-21T10:54:00.002-05:00

....the girl's cat is lying in a patch of sun on the floor, content as can be for that gift of sunlight.

the very brief visit w/ the sil and nephews was nice. kind of weird, since this is the first visit w/out the bil around. i like his boys. the eldest, who is 15 is....6'4" tall! holy hell. really i think my jaw dropped when he walked in the door. he is ginormous.

it was frustrating because the sil seems to fly by the seat of her pants w/ plans and while we were expecting them around 1-2pm yesterday they didn't get here until after 6pm. they left this morning in search of snow in the mountains and will fly home tomorrow morning. i think the four kids enjoyed themselves. it really was a painless visit.

it did make me sad though. knowing the boys don't have their dad. and, while i have no way of knowing how my sil really felt about my bil, i can't help but be sad and compassionate for her, raising two boys on her own. my bil and i may not have always seen eye to eye but i know for sure that he loved being a dad and it is obvious his kids love him.

**********
one of my cousins broadcasts her life story on fb. it is like watching a horrible redneck reality show on cmt or something. she is 12 yrs younger than me and it seems her second marriage is on the fritz. she's met both husbands online. she did not know either of them very long in person before they got married. she has a child from each of them.

it makes me sad to think that she might be going through yet another divorce soon and also have to deal with another horrible custody battle and/or ongoing issues w/ child visitation etc.

*************
so....i guess the patch of sun i've found this weekend is that even if i don't find a job in the next few weeks and even if we end up losing everything we've worked for over the last 20 years, i still have the hubs and my kids still have a dad.

searching for snow

2011-02-20T10:55:00.002-05:00

our sil and nephews are coming here today on a visit from florida. this is the widow of my bil who died two years ago next month. the nephews (each a year older than my two kids) have been here once before w/ their dad about 4-5 yrs ago. the sil hasn't been to this house. the only other time they were all here in nc was about 11 years ago, soon after the boy was born, when we lived in the trailer. the girl was 3 yrs old at the time and she beat up her cousin (who was a year older and a foot taller). good times.

i am looking forward to seeing the boys even though we really do not know them at all. my heart hurts for them since my bil died. my sil? yeah, well, to be honest we've never really warmed up to her or gotten along w/ her. she is abrasive. she is a know-it-all. she is vague. they will be here sometime today.....not really sure what time. really?

her whole reason for this trip was for the boys to see snow. hmmmm.......does she ever watch the weather channel? here in nc this weekend (and into this coming week) we are having weather w/ highs 20 degrees above normal. it was in the 70s here this weekend. our lows are what our highs normally are. yeah, freaky.

i hope she doesn't talk about my bil. i don't know that the hubs could take that. the whole thing is just a mess. they were not getting along well at all before he died, like for years hadn't been getting along. like divorce was probably in their future not getting along. this is one of the many reasons why you do not tell all your shit to your family. but, the bil was famous for that...getting everyone in on his business. their sister does the same thing. oy vey.

i hope it is a painless visit.

grilledcheezus

2011-02-15T11:20:00.003-05:00

i'm trying not to fall off the edge. i think this is why i'm so sleepy all the time. stress relief. most nights it's a miracle if i can stay up past 10pm. for about a week i think i've been playing w/ a stomach bug, but i'm beginning to think it's more anxiety than a virus. when i'm stressed i shut down. when the hubs is stressed he wants to have sex. the two do not readily mix.

we celebrated valentine's day on sunday because week nights are usually filled w/ homework and karate. it's a good thing we did. the hubs (who's been sick since last week) was working 2 1/2 hours away and didn't get home until after 8pm. both kids came home from school tired and puny; the boy felt so bad he didn't go to karate. he NEVER voluntarily misses karate. though he got up and went to school today (because it was crazy dress up day and he spent more time and thought on what he was going to wear than he has on his science project that's due later this week) i was picking him up before 10:30.

yesterday i found out the job writing about cell phones that i wasn't over-the-moon about isn't mine; they hired someone else. ah. the sense of hopelessness taints just about every moment of the day at this point. if i think too much about anything i am seconds away from a crying jag. i think my friend big t might have sensed this yesterday when we spoke because i ended up talking to her about three times.

and? this morning in my email i had two messages from my sil's mom. she of the big heart. she who is going in for surgery today sent me devotional email messages. how did she know i needed them? even me, who's not overly religious but considers myself....spiritual? appreciated the message.

things like this make me wonder if i'm missing a sign of some sort. i always think about those stories people tell about how someone keeps asking for help and needing help and wondering why nothing is happening and god is there saying well, i did this, this and this and you just didn't recognize it. of course then i start worrying why i can't see the signs and if the signs/guidance/direction have already come and gone and i missed it what the hell am i going to do?

and....as if all of that isn't enough to send a sane person looking for a nice white jacket, i wonder if i am turning into my mom after all and that scares the grilledcheezus out of me.

sh@* that's in my head

2011-02-13T10:00:00.004-05:00

i still find it hard to believe a facelibra page, smdsays, has been made into a tv show. i haven't watched it so am unfairly passing judgement that it is most likely terrible.

**************
floundering this week. everything has been off. i think this is how earth must have felt when all the tectonic plates started moving around. wtf is going on and what will this end up looking like? part of it i'm sure is being a little low that texas is gone. i didn't realize how big of a deal her coming and leaving would be. another is...the clock is ticking on our future. the freelance has really slowed down...as in i haven't had any for a couple of weeks. the unemployment will end in april and things will be dire even before then.

up until now i have held on to some sort of hope. i am talented. experienced. educated. surely i will be hired. but really? almost two years and nothing. to say my ego has been dealt a huge blow would be an understatement. i'm to the point where i am second guessing that i am even capable of writing a fucking blog let alone getting paid to write in real life.

***************
earlier this week the girl performed in her all-county orchestra show. this was extra-curricular so it took tons more practice than she's used to. extra hours after school. the day of the performance was a full day of practice. the performance was awesome, though the hubs and boy thought it was long because they had three groups performing. it was almost 2 hours of orchestral music. afterwards she was one hot mess. as she walked up to us i could tell she was about ready to cry. she was tired, pissed off and hungry. the girl gets all kinds of sideways when she's hungry. she bitched the entire way home that night, like 30 minutes straight. omg i was ready for bed.

****************
the boy has been invited to the circus today. he's quite excited. we've never taken our kids to the circus. i'm not a big circus person. they went years ago w/ daycare. the animal horror stories i've heard over the years prevent me from being able to muster an ounce of excitement or desire to see a circus. the mom called yesterday to invite him for today. she said they'd pick him up around 10:30 or 11 am, go to lunch and then the circus. she came early. i'd just gone to my room to throw some clothes on (hello, it is sunday morning folks). she rang the bell at 10:15am. i answer the door w/ my hair looking like holy hell, a sweatshirt and jeans on, no bra. love.ly. yeah. of course she is looking all put together and nice. she and her hubs are both doctors. i don't get the impression that they are pretentious in any way and her son has been here and is very nice and polite. they bought 10 circus tickets. 5 more than they needed. they are taking 5 extra kids to the circus and lunch.

*****************
the other day when i took the boy to karate the karate master's wife was there and we chatted. she is a very nice person. she and her husband are foster parents and we've seen different kids come and go from their home. we talk about the foster program from time to time. each time they get a new kid she says this one is their last; they're in their 50s (but look to be 10 yrs younger) and have been doing this for decades. there is one boy that i think they will end up adopting in the end. he's lived w/ them off and on for years. now he is w/ a family who is thinking of adopting him...it's a year long process. while she hopes he gets adopted, mainly because the family is white and so is the kid and she thinks he'd have a rougher time if they (a black couple) adopted him. but, it is obvious she has so much love for this boy.

the sad thing is...once kids in the system reach 18 the states wash their hands of them (unless they have a documented mental illness, then they can stay in the system until they're 21). how can anyone expect a person who's spent their life passed around from family to family to be able to function on their own at the age of 18? obviously if they've stayed in the system their whole lives something hasn't worked out. there are issues. why isn't there a group home type setting for these kids? a place that eases them into the real world? that teaches them a skill or trade, everyday things they need to know about banking and money and cooking and taking care of themselves and being productive members of society? for some reason this sticks in my craw.

the dreaded heart day

2011-02-10T12:32:00.002-05:00

have i told you before how very much i hate valentine's day? as much as i love chocolate, flowers and romantic comedies i cannot stand valentine's day. it makes me sick. if i see one more jewelry commercial (don't even get me started on stupid heart shaped jewelry) i will projectile vomit.

this whole holiday is a manufactured, commercial disaster waiting to happen.

i think maybe when you are dating it might be more exciting, i really can't remember back that far. i'm sure if you're single and don't want to be you hate the holiday even more than i do.

i think the dreaded day is even less appealing when you are in a slump. anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows what i'm talking about. relationships are cyclical it seems. for no apparent reason you get in a rut and no matter how many times you've been in it and gotten out you can never remember how to get out.

********************
a few questions:

how do you feel about having sex when you have house guests? i have issues with this. i am the only one?

what do you do that makes you think you are a good spouse? sometimes i think i put more effort into other relationships (kids, friends, family) than i do into being a spouse. while part of that is because that is probably the person i feel safest with and i know he'll love me no matter what, but i'm sure part of it is laziness too. what tips do you have for being a good spouse??

catching up

2011-02-08T11:26:00.002-05:00

thursday evening my best friend from high school and her family arrived. my mind is so full of so many things i want to write about i don't even know where to begin. i'm sure this will spill over into more than one post.

all of my worries flew out the window and i feel like we connected as only grown ups can. of course we reminisced about high school some, but i think we began filling in the gaps of the last 25 years, although honestly we'd started doing that in emails anyway.

i was surprised, although i really shouldn't be, as to how much i didn't know about her life when we were friends in high school. about how strict her parents were, about the role of care giver she started wearing early on in life. i guess i always assumed that because she was so happy when we were together that she had the perfect parents/family. but then i didn't share all of my dark secrets w/ her back then either (those have come out later). she said her time with her friends was the happy time in her life then and she didn't want to taint it or infect it with all of the other things going on. even then she was so mature.

she is even more amazing than i realized. she takes care of everyone, and i mean everyone. her family, her husband's family, friends, strangers. i think she stepped in as the "mom" of her family way before her mother died, and yet she remained close with her mother and it is obvious how much she loved and still loves her.

she was incredible, incredible with my kids. i had no doubt that the boy would love her...they'd already "chatted" on facelibre and he was excited for them to come. i was worried about the girl. my introvert. texas simply would not allow the girl not to talk to her. she taught her to make enchiladas, authentic enchiladas. : ) i think i cried while they were doing it. her affectionate nature is contagious. she's a hugger. a sincere hugger.

we spent our time talking and playing some board games and cooking and talking some more. one night we (me, her and the hubs) stayed up talking and drinking margaritas until 6am! i don't remember the last time i stayed awake that long. we didn't really have enough time by ourselves, just the two of us, but i have no doubt, over the years, that will come.

i am still overwhelmed with emotion that she came. and overwhelmed with sadness that she's gone now. i can't believe how much i love her and how lucky i am to have her back in my life.

games people play

2011-01-30T10:33:00.002-05:00

i love playing board games. my kids are growing into playing board games. the top shelves in our hall closet are filled with board games. isn't this where everyone who has a hall closet keeps their games? i thought it was a house rule or something.

we have the stupid games....the fad games or whatever...not "real" games. like there is a wrestling board game up there....and i think a star trek game and a few others.

it takes awhile for kids to be old enough to play some games so, while candyland is gone (i think it got played to death) we still have sorry.

i've never learned to play chess, but we have that too. and dominoes, jenga, etc.

the kids like playing clue. clue is ok with me....i just don't really LOVE it. but, it goes pretty quickly so i play if the kids want to.

the games i enjoy the most are scrabble, scattergories, mancala, risk, trivial pursuit and i think i might enjoy the girl's game of madgab she got for her birthday, but we've only played it once. i also enjoy yatzee.

last night the boy wanted to play monopoly. ugh. seriously, ugh. at 11 the boy still doesn't have the patience to play this game....which is probably the longest game in the whole fucking world. i know monopoly is popular...but seriously you have to set aside a weekend to play this thing. i hate it. hate, hate hate it. initially it doesn't drive me insane...but once all of the properties are bought, sold, traded and improved upon...it's really just a slaughter of who lands on boardwalk and loses all their money. it is purely chance, there is no strategy, no skill really. i hate it. i think i might have to hide it in the closet.

what games do you play? what games do you like??

there's a bird sitting on the patio chair....

2011-01-25T12:20:00.003-05:00

....as i type this. apparently said bird does not realize our weathermen are calling for rain, a wintry mix or snow....they aren't quite sure which just yet.

i have 69 pieces of mail in my spam email box. ironic since most of those emails are about penis enlargement, viagra, hooking up with singles in my area or something from the irs and fbi. either way, some one's getting screwed.

i had an interview this morning with the company i've interviewed with twice before for different jobs (they hired someone internally both times). i'm guessing eventually they'll just hire me and figure out what position to put me in. (this should not make you think of the 69 reference above, though at this point, i'm willing to do most anything for money.) in the last two weeks i've applied for three jobs with them. of course i get called in to interview for the job that least excites me. of course right now i would take any job...ok...most any job...but really can't see spending the rest of my life writing about cell phones. i'm just saying.

in my little metro area the publishing industry is small. if you've worked for one of two-three companies here you are bound to either know people at the other company or have common acquaintances. this never ceases to amaze me. it's quite incestuous.

last night when i was going through my closet trying to figure out what to wear for my interview i realized just how poorly stocked it is. i have an interview outfit that is older than my 11 yr old son. pathetic. and yes, i have worn in within the last year. my other fall back outfit is about 8-9 years old. i tried it on last night and almost laughed out loud at myself. not only is it way too big, but i could probably maim someone with the big-assed shoulder pads. i put it in a pile for goodwill.

i have never claimed to be a style maven, but even i now recognize that some things in my closet really must go. a silver shirt? a green shirt w/ metallic thread in it? really? what fucking planet have i been living on? yeah, going through my closet made me feel so....out dated.

the out-dated theme continued this morning during the interview. me? writing about cell phones. ah, the irony. i wouldn't know an app from a hole in the ground. mobile web? wtf? i muddled my way through. however when one of the guys described editing as quality control ....really, i almost laughed out loud.

i finished reading wicked. i wasn't thrilled with it. i liked the concept of the story---showing things from the wicked witch of the west's view point---but the story itself didn't impress me much. i'm having a difficult time understanding how a play based on that could get such rave reviews, but having never seen the play i just don't know.

i watched precious---the book was much better (though much, much more graphic), more compelling and powerful. i also watched seven pounds. i love will smill. really, he can do no wrong for me. the movie was ok.

i thought it would get easier

2011-01-19T15:14:00.002-05:00

....raising kids. i thought as my kids got older being a parent would be easier. boy was i wrong. as the parent of an 11 and 14 year old i am here to tell you....the baby years? the toddler years? piece.of.cake. seriously. yes, i realize those times are trying because it is frustrating trying to communicate with little people who aren't reasonable (they don't get any better as they get older) or who can't fully express themselves (sometimes at this age they still can't) and there are the sleepless nights, constant needs to be met, etc. the early ages are more physically challenging i'd say.

as they get older the challenges become more emotional and mental. i have been concentrating on finding the perfect high school for the girl. one where she will fit in and be challenged. one that will best prepare her for college and meet her (self-proclaimed) nerd-girl needs. one where she will not be singled out as being the smart kid. we were considering three. we went to a magnet fair. we were told yes, transportation is available. ah.....therein lies the rub.

one of the options is a new high school, non-magnet, built w/ a grant from the gates foundation. it is in the town beside ours. we would have to provide transportation. god knows i better have a job by august (seriously god, before then is imperative) and that would enable me from transporting the girl to that school.

the other two schools are magnets. one operates on the community college schedule---so delays, snow days, etc. don't jive w/ the rest of the school system. i could drop my kid off at a local elementary school where she'd catch a bus to this early college. of course at the end of the day (a couple of hours before most 8-5 jobs are finished) she'd have no way home from the elementary school. same with the other magnet.

so, while it seems like my school district has a ton of options for smart kids...apparently you can only attend them if you have one parent who does not work and is able to take the kid to and from school. really? what kind of fucked up education system is that?

i told the girl. told her i can't think of a way to make any option other than the high school in our town work. she cried. hard. for 45 minutes. she is still blue. she does not want to suffer through high school like she has through middle school.

i wonder if i could hire a chauffeur?

and...when i do go back to work....what to do about childcare for the summer? while i'd probably be ok w/ letting the kids come home after school alone....i wouldn't let them stay here all day every day during the summer alone. they'd die of boredom or kill each other.

i wonder if i could hire a nanny?

friends

2011-01-16T18:35:00.002-05:00

friends and friendship have been on my mind a lot lately, mainly because my best friend from high school is coming to visit in a few weeks. initially i was nervous...i mean we haven't seen each other in about 15 years. but since finding each other on facebook we email almost every day and have reconnected in a way i didn't think was possible. it's like time stood still and we picked up our friendship as grownups. it is perhaps the best thing that happened to me last year, or at least right up there in the top 10.

renewing this wonderful relationship has made me examine my current and past friendships, something i've always done anyway. i've ranted about friendships here a lot...i think because deep down i'm so insecure. i have tried to talk to my daughter about latching on to one person exclusively only to be disappointed by that person in the end...and yet that is often what i've done.

i've been fortunate to have some really wonderful friends during my life....but i also realize that there are people whom i thought were wonderful friends who really weren't in the end. like everyone i have had people who've drifted out of my life for one reason or another, i think that's natural. you're brought together by circumstance and when circumstances change you lose touch. but i've had two friendships that ended badly and because of that i second guess myself on the type of friend i am.

i think it's time to stop beating myself up. i can't make someone stay my friend or invest in a relationship; they either do or they don't. they either take me as i am or they don't. my very best friend...the hubs...takes me warts and all, and he knows me better than anyone. i have a couple of friends that i still consider true friends. i may not talk to them or see them every day, but whenever i do we always fall back into sync and i know that they care about me and they don't judge me and....they're just good people.

today i went to lunch with a group of girls that i once considered very close friends, one of whom i latched on to almost obsessively. (that was one of the friendships that ended badly). since our circumstances changed (we no longer work together) we have drifted...or i should say i have drifted...they have remained a group and become an even tighter group. for a long time now this has bothered me tremendously....that i was the outcast. that insecure part of me wondered what was wrong with me...why didn't they like me. today i realized that....you know what? it's ok. i don't share their interests and i'm at least a decade older than some of them. we are at different points in our lives and the common denominator that brought us together is long gone. i guess i've known this for awhile actually, but kept trying to ignore it, kept trying to stay on the fringe of that group. today i found out that one had suffered a personal tragedy and i had no idea. i felt like an idiot for asking the question that brought this subject up...but really? how was i to know. aside from feeling horrible for bringing it up and sad for her tragedy i was a little mad that no one had told me. i mean it's one thing to not share the day to day things going on in people's lives, but major things....i thought i was at least still friend enough to have been told. but...i'm not. and....that's ok.

off the top of my head

2011-01-12T15:35:00.002-05:00

the kids went back to school after christmas break last week. they have been home for three days (so far) this week because of snow. it is hard to get much of anything productive done when they are home. i mean, i still clean and do laundry, etc. but dedicated computer time is always interrupted. but, i have been trying to live in the moment and realize that these days are gifts because soon enough i'll be back to work (god i hope so) and the next thing i know they'll be off to college.

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the girl and i scoped out the magnet school fair this weekend. it is so hard to make a decision. my gut is to send her to this early college school....when she completes that program she'll have an associate's degree and can go to an nc school for free for the next two years.

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the girl is turning 14 on the 17th. she's having a sleep over this weekend. i still cannot believe she's going to be 14. it seems like a much bigger deal than 13, perhaps because she'll go to high school in the fall.

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the boy has a friend over today. they are working on their science fair project---which paper makes the best paper airplane.

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i am not quite sure what "mom" jeans are, but i think i wear them. being unemployed for almost 2 years has certainly changed my style. it is all about comfort. i don't think i've had any new clothes since i got laid off. i don't see the point really. i also need a hair cut. badly.

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i made homemade popovers yesterday and for whatever reason i am incredibly impressed with myself over them. i don't know why because they're pretty easy to make. but, they looked cool and they were damn tasty.

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my high school bff, texas, has booked her flight and they're coming here the first weekend in february. i am still stunned that she's coming, it's so far! i am trying not to panic. what will i feed them (i'm a horrible cook); what if the house isn't clean enough? what if she finds out she doesn't like me anymore? i mean it's one thing to renew your friendship via email, but what if in person she thinks i'm a douche?

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when the kids and i were out running errands earlier today we ran into the girl's kindergarten assistant teacher. the woman couldn't believe how grown the girl looks. neither can i.

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the hubs and i pooled our christmas money from my parents and got an elliptical. we haven't used it yet because i got a cold on new year's day and then gave it to him. he's still coughing and hacking with it.

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i have to go now. i have to take pictures of little boys flying paper airplanes for a science project.

leftovers

2011-01-05T08:51:00.002-05:00

my friend sweet t shared this comment about the new year...someone she'd talked to said it didn't really feel like a new year just leftovers. i have to say, so far i concur. i have been out of the online loop, partly because of the holidays and partly because new years brought me a nice cold. i'm not back to 100% yet but at least i'm not coughing my head off and i'm out of bed/off the couch. now i am sneezing like a big nostrilled mofo working in a pepper factory. my sides are killing me...it hurts to cough and sneeze for three days straight. i think this is what my sides would feel like if i did situps on a regular basis.

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we celebrated new year's like we always do....w/ the kids. we played some board games, ate a bunch of crap, watched poor dick clark count the ball down, (saw one of my fave groups, train, perform one of my fave songs, drops of jupiter) toasted each other w/ some sparkling grape juice in wine glasses (my kids think that's a hoot) and then set off a few firecrackers. the night before my bro, sil and the kids came over for an early new years celebration. they brought their new just dance wii game...omg....lots of fun but lord i was sore the next day.

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though i remain enamored of my long-time fave johnny depp (because i'm nothing if not loyal), i have to say a new character has crept onto the scene. i fell prey to the sookie stackhouse books...they were like crack. we've watched some of the tv series true blood, which gave me this face to tie to the character in the books who's become my favorite, eric. sweet jeebus. i have read all 10 books and just discovered she has one coming out this year too. hawt doesn't even begin to describe this character, and i say character because although i can appreciate his physical being, the character in the book is simply luscious...so much so that even when he calls sookie lover it sounds hot not redunkulous.

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more book talk---aside from the last three sookie books, i also got a new stephen king book for christmas, which is waiting patiently to be read. and i picked up wicked at the used book store. i am always late to what's going on in the world. of course i have heard people rave about seeing wicked, the play, but i had no idea what it was about. so when i saw the book and read the synopsis...the wicked witch's side of the wizard of oz story...i was hooked. i'll start reading that soon too.

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have you seen that reality show extreme couponing? we caught an episode last night and i sat mesmerized. it's misleading really. i thought it would be more practical and make sense. i'm all about saving money and i use coupons....but those people are insane. they stock pile shit. like rooms and garages full of groceries. one couple has separate home owners insurance on their stash! how is that saving money? another couple moved 1000 lbs of their stash from one state to another. how is that saving money? i understand the idea of saving money and the thrill of getting something for free or greatly on sale....but i really don't think i need a lifetime supply of toilet paper just because i can get it for free. one of the guys on there did at least make some sense to me....he bought an ass load of cereal...for next to nothing so he could donate it to the food bank at his church. ok, that i get. but...having enough food/supplies in your garage to last a lifetime and you still buy stuff? i think this show could easily be ranked up there w/ hoarders.

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although the holidays seemed frenetic, they were also laid back in that we weren't on any schedule. no school, no soccer, no karate. this week we are back to the mix, back to the routine and we are 12 days away from the girl turning 14. i don't know why 14 seems like a much bigger deal than 13 did, but in my mind it is huge. it's kind of freaking me out a bit. i guess because i know that the next big thing is...high school. this year...this fall....in 7 months....my girl will be a freshman in high school. it will take me all of those seven months to wrap my brain around that concept.

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i'm contemplating taking the blog undercover. my kids are getting older, more savvy and more nosy and i'm pretty sure if the girl put her mind to it she could find my blog. though i only blog from my laptop, i don't do so in a dark secluded corner, so i'm sure she's seen the screen before. sometimes i think about giving it up altogether, but for some reason i always come back. another addiction i suppose. i think even if nobody read my blog i'd still blog. though it would be damn lonely for sure. i need to figure out how to capture/save all of my posts before moving along to something more secluded. i can't lose all these years of words.

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the hubs made a good point recently. of course we have been worrying about money and my getting a job prospects and what this year will bring. we've talked about how statistically this has to be our year because really, the last three years have been hell and we're due a good one. his point was...regardless of what happens in the next few months....it will be over. either i will have a job and we will be getting back on track and this unemployment will be over or i won't get a job...the savings will be gone....we won't be able to pay the bills and life as we know it will be over. however....LIFE won't be over. things would be drastically different....but we won't be dead. we will still be together. maybe not in this house. maybe not with these things. but, we will all still be together.

it's been a long time

2010-12-28T09:18:00.002-05:00

i feel like i have five hours worth of stuff to share with you but frankly it would probably bore you to death.

we had a pretty great christmas. the families came over here christmas eve day. my parents went overboard with the gifts to the grandkids. my surprise went over ok, i think i was more excited about it than anyone else to be honest. but that's ok...the excitement of it lifted me through the day. i got a plain white coffee cup and some sharpies and wrote up this little thing about the cup being full of good wishes, etc. the owner of the cup keeps it and uses it for a year, signs their name and the year on the cup and next year has to pass it along. i wrapped a ton of boxes inside each other and each grown up took turns unwrapping until they got to the end---and that person got the cup. it was my brother-in-law. the one who never, ever fucking speaks. ok, so it's christmas, be nice. the hubs says he doesn't speak because he doesn't like any of us.

now that both kids admit to not believing in santa the "magic" of christmas is gone, if you will. yes, i know the reason for the season, but there's a special sparkle around when people believe in santa. it wasn't here this year. the girl got the boy up at midnight (after we'd gone to bed) and they stayed up until 5:30 am when they woke us up. all of that time they spent together without fighting or arguing. i woke up twice, once i thought the boy was sleeptalking (which he does) and i listened for a few minutes and went back to sleep; at 3am i got up and stood at my bedroom door, wondering what my kids were doing, but they were being quite and not arguing so i went back to bed. that is probably the last time since that day that they have spent more than an hour not arguing.

we got a white christmas and it's still here. so pretty. christmas day we stayed in our pjs all day and because of the snow we didn't go to my mom's for dinner. we had no dinner plans so it was whatever you could find for dinner. i'll have to work on that for next year. i never really plan anything for dinner on christmas day.

the next day we played outside, built a snowman, went sledding...the hubs shoveled the long assed driveway. all in all (aside from the shoveling) it was good.

the kids are off all this week so my challenge will be entertaining them. today we're going to the movies w/ my sil and the kids. yogi bear. i can't say as i've been dying to see this movie.

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i have been having the loopiest dreams this week. i only remember bits and pieces. i dreamt that the girl went off to college (right now, at almost 14 yrs old) in europe because she couldn't wait to get away from me. at the very moment she told me (she was riding by me on a scooter with her friend) i was looking for my purse because it had all of our money in the whole world in it.

i also dreamt that the hubs and i worked for the same company. a huge, huge company. like microsoft size or something. i went into work after christmas vacation and had to wash some dishes in one of the executive's kitchens. i was in there, chatting with my friends and adam from mythbusters was taking a shower. he got out, got dressed and then started hitting on me. my nephew was sitting at the kids' table in the corner. so freaking weird.

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about a week ago my former publisher, ditto, called me. for those of you who've been reading awhile, i've mentioned her before. she is a self-centered, arrogant, troubled woman who talks about herself nonstop and thinks she's all that and a bag of chips. she got laid off the same day i did. she had a consulting gig for awhile, but got fired from that, but of course her side of the story was that the company is doing poorly and couldn't afford her, blah blah blah. she had sent me a message via a social media around thanksgiving asking if i could help her w/ her resume. i said i never received it. she said that was ok because since hers is an "executive" level resume i probably couldn't have written it anyway, since it wasn't a normal resume like mine. then she told me of this new gig she has and how her client (she's consulting for another manufacturer now) needs a blogger. she bragged about how much financial backing the company has and what great product, yada yada yada. she told me to send her a proposal for what i'd charge to blog. so i did. of course she has to present it like she could have offered this deal to any number of people but she wanted to help ME out. she's just doing this for ME. i sent her a proposal. she came back and said how the client doesn't have that much money and could i do it for less...and that she might have another blogging gig (i highly, highly doubt it) where she could get me the higher amount. i came off my price a smidge (i still don't think she'll go for it). we'll see. frankly, i don't want to work with her being the middleman on anything. i don't trust her at all and i certainly do not want to have to speak to her on any sort of regular basis.

a little less grinchee

2010-12-22T21:06:00.003-05:00

despite the fact that my children do not share in my joy of christmas movies, i have managed to watch some this year.

i love the classics---miracle on 34th street (w/ natalie wood playing little susan), i watched it the other night. my favorite (which i haven't watched yet) is it's a wonderful life. i love love love this damn movie. and you know what? it wasn't even meant to be a christmas movie necessarily. i love all the bass & rankin shows from my childhood, rudolph, santa claus is coming to town, the year without a santa claus. and of course frosty. the hubs' favorite (and one we watch every year w/out fail) is the little drummer boy. i have a copy of jim henson's emmitt otter's jug band christmas--does anyone remember that one? it's never on any more. it's a gift of the magi theme...so good. we did watch the original christmas carol...the first ones always seem to be the best.

our more recent faves are the tim allen santa clause movies....they're all pretty good. and of course elf. seriously one of my new faves. and a christmas story (though i swear i didn't know that was made in 1983, i thought for sure it was older) and christmas vacation (these two are tied for my brother's faves i do believe).

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christmas eve everyone (my folks, sis and her family, bro and his family) usually come to our house. we've done it for several years and my kids count that as tradition. they were almost aghast when my mom suggested having it at her house this year. everyone will be here around 2 pm on christmas eve (accommodating work schedules and people who need to get home to play santa). i have surprises in store (which is one of the reasons i'm feeling a little better i think...i'm excited) which i will share w/ you after christmas as i know my sil reads this : )

grinchee

2010-12-20T12:21:00.002-05:00

that's how i'm feeling. five days until christmas and i'm so not in the mood. i've been trying. really i have. we've decorated. i've finished shopping and mostly finished wrapping. and yet....here i sit, wondering when i'm going to get that inner peace/glow/burst of happiness.

the kids are off from school from now until the first of the year.

i am worried about money. i am worried about finding a job. i am really worried about that.

i am tired of hearing people say, everything happens for a reason. the right job will find you. really? 19 months is a fucking long time to wait. i send out resumes. i scour the ads and the internet.

yesterday we were watching an episode of mythbusters (i love those guys) and they were testing this idea from a movie where people can hang on to the edge of a building's ledge indefinitely. first the ledge was 2" wide; they hung on for about a minute and a half. they gradually decreased the width until it was 1/2 an inch. they couldn't even hold on for a second. that is how i'm feeling right now. like the ledge keeps getting smaller and smaller and it's not a matter of if, but when i will start freefalling. and i don't have a safety harness on.

purging

2010-12-16T09:48:00.002-05:00

oof i need to get all of this dark ugly snarky hateful shit out of my system before i lose my shit. me thinks it be pms (though i've always hated using that as an excuse for anything, it makes me feel like a whiny bitch, but honestly, sometimes i can't think of what else makes me this way unless i lean towards the idea that i might just be a little crazy).

the girl takes after me in this regard. she's either also a bitch or she's pmsing this week too. she started the week pissed because there was no snow delay on monday. we had a dusting, small, dusting, over night. she griped all morning before she got on the bus, said the school board must live in georgia or somewhere and how could they force them to go to school. after school she was still pissed and added the fact that a boy she likes is dating someone else. ah...that's the real issue i think. she's had attitude all week. when she's happy...omg...she's as sweet as can be. when she's pissed....she's a bitch on wheels. i have to admit....she's more like me than we both care to admit.

it is coming down to the unemployment wire. i think that's contributing to the mood. i had to go down to the unemployment office yesterday...always a cheerful place let me assure you. i have 18 weeks left. then...nothing. no more tiers. no more money. nada. it's not like this is any surprise, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks and there is a certain amount of panic that is now simmering closer to the surface.

i also had to get my oil changed and car inspected. i sat there on pins and needles the whole time sure they were going to tell me my car needed elebenty billion dollars worth of work in order to pass inspection. my air bag light has been on forever, but really there is nothing else wrong w/ the car. nope, nothing wrong, it passed inspection. driving home i saw smoke in the sky. for a fleeting moment i thought my house was on fire and the four animals were toast. i have this thought more often than i care to admit since the house across the street had the fire.

my fil always sends us money for christmas. in years past we've divided it among the four of us; or we've bought the kids gifts w/ the money from him; or we've bought one big family gift. this year the hubs was more anxious about what will be done w/ the money. he thinks it might be his dad's last christmas i think. we haven't seen him in awhile. i think these things are playing on his mind, though he hasn't come right out and said it in so many words.

i read the book push. i only had a vague idea of what it was about before i started reading it. it's a powerful book. it is horrific and graphic. it is a book you may not want to read, but once you start...you just can't imagine. last night at the boy's karate class was the first time i talked to anyone about the book---the karate master's wife. she'd read it quite awhile ago and said it had the same impact on her. we both almost cried talking about it, but not really talking about it. i said i didn't know if i could watch the movie, precious, which is based on the book. she said the movie isn't as graphic, obviously, and it's not as harsh. i still don't know if i can watch it. i watched slumdog millionaire and it stuck with me. just like reading the kite runner stuck w/ me (i haven't seen the movie yet). all of these are dark. i also read another book this week, the weight of silence; it was about missing kids and an abusive father.

these books all have abuse running through them, in one way or another; verbal, physical, sexual. sometimes i wonder if i subconsciously am drawn to these books because if i read enough of them i will find some secret to dealing with it? hmmm...don't know.

the kids do have a snow day today---icy out there, though no snow. maybe we will do some baking or something. i need a shot of goodness. (although there is SOME goodness, my sil got a job today! i'm happy and excited for her....but really wish i had on too!)

surprise, surprise, surprise

2010-12-10T23:59:00.002-05:00

tonight was filled with lots of surprises. we had to go to a dinner/party for the hubs' work. i think we were both sort of dreading it. i've talked before about his work...the company he works for basically blows. last year we missed the shindig because it was the same night as our own christmas party. we hadn't been to a work event in a few years.

the first surprise...we left the kids home alone. they've been home alone for about an hour at the most, during the day. this was their first evening alone. they did great. we were gone for probably 5-6 hours. we called them three times; the boy called us about four. i felt kinda bad because the girl had actually been home sick today (i took her to the dr...no strep, probably just a virus..she's on antibiotics; no fever, no coughing, just sore throat). the boy's loose tooth came out while we were gone. i think, for the most part, the boy stayed in the living room and the girl stayed in the den.

the second surprise...remember when i said my sil inadvertently found the boss's wife's blog? i said her blog was douchy? yeah...well, the blog is still too syrupy sweet for me...but the lucky sperm boy's wife? she's actually kinda cool. somehow we've never met. she cut loose at the dinner (did i mention martinis were flying? drinks were abundant?)...her husband (the hubs' boss, was a stick in the mud the whole time) but girlfriend was fun. she was friendly and funny...and she and one of one of the guys from the office actually did cartwheels in the parking lot after the dinner. in heels. well, she was in heels, not the guy. though, if they were his size he totally would have worn them. i was pleasantly surprised at how normal she was.

the evening itself was nice. it was good to get out and be w/ the hubs...just us, out among adults. i can't remember the last time that happened. we started the evening at the big boss's house. that part was kind of uncomfortable. it was six couples in all and aside from lucky sperm boy and his cool wife (who are younger) everyone else was much older than us. once we got to the restaurant for dinner it got better. the alcohol was flowing, the food was great, and our end of the table was having fun.

the third surprise...magic bullets don't actually work. or maybe mine doesn't work.

ramblings

2010-12-09T08:49:00.002-05:00

we still have spots of snow in the yard, mostly because it's been too cold to fully melt everything. the hubs said his grandpa used to say, "when snow lingers it's waiting on company." i thought that was pretty cool. god knows it's been frigid here.

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despite all of the good qualities my kids have, they are bizarre. both of them. it is fucking cold outside, like in the teens in the mornings, 30s in the day, and they will not wear long sleeve shirts. when i tell them to at least for the love of pete put a coat on, they put on a jacket or a hoodie. really? i am a bundler. big thick socks, a t-shirt and sweatshirt or some other long sleeve, cozy warm shirt. give me layers. i like being toasty. my kids? not so much. i bet teachers think i'm quite the parent...sending my kids to school dressed the way they are. sheesh.

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i don't know if it's really ok to say this yet, but, i can't help it. my friend texas is coming to visit us! she and her family are coming in february! i simply cannot believe it. last night the boy said, "that's a really good friend that would come that far to see you." and he's absolutely right.

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busy busy busy---that's what we're heading into. tomorrow night is the hubs' company christmas shindig. drinks at the head honcho's house and then dinner. we missed it last year because it was on the same night as our christmas party (which we aren't having this year). we are obligated to go. blech. next weekend we're going to a friend's christmas party though, and i am looking forward to that one.

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saturday we are baking at my house. my sil and kids, sister and kids and my mom are all coming here to bake christmas cookies. we're all trying to think of something different to make--we'll be doing sugar cookies, snickerdoodles, chocolate chip, russian tea cookies (or i've also heard them called wedding cake cookies i think)--have any other suggestions? what cookies do you bake for the holidays?

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a blow to the ego II

2010-12-08T13:07:00.002-05:00

i literally laughed out loud at annabelle's post today, go on, read it. i'll wait.

back? ok. so let's talk oral sex shall we. (i can just imagine my sil's face turning 500 shades of red right now, and a few of my other friends are shaking their heads.)

the hubs and i have been together for elebenty billion years, and married for 18 of them. though he did not tell me at the time, he has since told me that when we first began our sexual relationship i was not so good at giving blow jobs. honestly i didn't understand the concept. i mean BLOW jobs? hello, you don't blow on them. what a stupid name. they should be called suck jobs. back then, when we were dating, i gave them, very grudgingly. i was a goodie-two-shoes and doing THAT was just, wrong.

once we got married, i still gave them grudgingly, but my skills became a tad bit better. at least i wasn't scraping anything with my teeth anymore. i did not swallow. and when i say i did it grudgingly that also means very, very rarely. like once a year. the poor hubs, who is all about some oral and is quite the giver, stuck with me anyway.

fast forward about a decade later and he is quite pleased with my learning curve. i give good head. i swallow. i'm quite sure i don't do it as often as he'd like, but it's quality, not quantity. i think most guys would love to get a blow job every day, but, ya know, it just ain't happenin'.

i have always wondered why swallowing is so important. oddly enough, i have a huge gag reflex. bushing my teeth/tongue, i almost always gag. and yet, i'm able to give good head.

i know there are some women who really don't get into it and don't do it at all. i also know there are women who love it (ok, the hubs has told me this, i don't think i've actually ever had anyone tell me they love doing this).

so...despite being unemployed and having someone else get a job i used to have...i can at least be proud of the fact that i am good at giving head. a marketable skill i'm sure i'll never cash in on.

a blow to the ego

2010-12-07T12:56:00.002-05:00

today i learned that the publication i worked for, the one that laid me off, has not only hired a person to take my job...they hired the person who had the job before i did. and the position no longer reports to the person i reported to (which was never a good idea anyway) but rather to the big boss himself.

i found out about five minutes ago via fb and then i read the article about it. my emotions are all over the fucking place. of course my first thought is...if they are renewing their commitment to the pub and they're going to have a dedicated person in that role why the hell didn't they hire me back? my second thought is...i think even though i desperately need a job i'm not sure i could comfortably go back there to work. third...they hired her? they were pissed at her and pretty much forced her out and then talked trash about her when she was gone. was i really THAT horrible compared to her? i have mulled this over w/ the hubs and a friend or two...not this particular thing but my being snubbed by them in general...and honestly the only thing i can think of is that the queen of evil (haven't seen THAT name here in years) didn't like me. but, i never got the impression she liked this person either, so that still stumps me.

of course this is a serious blow to the ego. huge. it's bad enough companies that don't know my skills and value aren't hiring me, but now a company that does know me didn't hire me. that will stick in my craw for a long time i can tell you right now.

humbug indeed

2010-12-04T16:49:00.003-05:00

not for me, not today thank you.

we got our first snow of the season today, much more than they were forecasting. i can't begin to tell you how my heart leaps with joy when it snows. the hubs hates it as much as i love it, but snow makes me giddy inside. truly giddy. i called my brother to exlaim it was snowing...like he didn't know (we live in the same area). i texted my friend texas to tell her...even though i so do not text. of course it is about 70 degrees where she is.

the girl and i were out running errands when it started. squeee!!!

once everyone got home, the kids played in it for awhile; then the girl helped me with the christmas cards for a bit. we even watched the original (w/ george c. scott) christmas carol. ah...we might have to have hot chocolate later.

sizing it up

2010-12-03T09:57:00.002-05:00

let's talk bathrooms shall we? one of my guilty pleasures is watching hgtv and the house hunting shows. these shows allow me to dream and envision things i may or may not ever have...kind of like dreaming of winning the lottery.

i am fascinated by the whole focus on bathrooms. when, and why, did they become such a huge selling point? nearly every home show i watch the buyer complains that the bathroom isn't big enough. really? do you plan on having a party in there? how many people will actually be in that room at the same time, ever? two? maybe? and while i understand the appeal of having a bathroom in the master bedroom, does every bedroom really need it's own bathroom?

we have a built-in-the-70s-ranch house and it has two bathrooms. they are not huge by any means, but they're adequate. the mobile home we lived in before this house had a huge master bath--garden tub, double sinks, separate shower and enough floor space for two people to comfortably lie on. the draw back was that it was carpeted, which is just wrong in a bathroom.

my maternal grandparents' house was old, 50s? 60s? and though it had two baths, they were closets. the master bath was just a toilet and sink and you could sit on the toilet and touch all four walls. their "big" bathroom was a little larger, w/ a tub/shower but you could still sit on the toilet and have your knees almost touch the vanity.

i'm not saying that if i won the lottery i wouldn't update our bathrooms--take out the linoleum, tile everything and replace the fixtures--but i wouldn't knock out a wall or try to expand them. i don't spend that much time in there.

am i missing something here? are spacious, over the top bathrooms the new in thing?

randomosity

2010-12-02T11:22:00.004-05:00

i met w/ a guidance counselor at the girl's middle school this morning to talk about high school options. there are more than i realized. i took copious notes. i will be attending a magnet fair in january to get even more information. our goal? for her to have a better high school experience than she's had in middle school. i don't want her feeling like the biggest nerd in school all through high school. i realize some of the last three years have been the result of hormonal changes and everyday normal middle school girl drama, but i also cannot stand to have her suffer being an outcast for the next four years. i want to find a school where she feels good, where she fits in (mostly) and that challenges her academically. the guidance counselor met w/ me for almost two hours. he made phone calls. he was incredibly helpful and nice. you know what i'm going to say next don't you? he's gay. i don't give a rat's ass about that, but i find it interesting because any middle or high school guidance counselor that i've known that is a guy is gay. i know, it's a generalization, but i find it interesting nonetheless.

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i stopped to get gas on the way home and low and behold there was a woman pumping gas that i worked w/, briefly, 13 years ago. i said, hello, aren't you so and so? she looked at me like i had two heads. uh, yes. didn't you work at xyz? uh, no. i worked at abc. i looked closer at her (even w/ my eye issues i know i can see for god's sake). aren't you so and so and you worked at xyz on such and such street and sally and steve also worked with us? a glimmer of recognition started to ignite. i said, you know, the company made this stupid bullshit. oh! yes....she remembered the actual name of the company and not the initials i called it by. the light bulb went off. she remembered me. we chatted briefly, in the cold, at the gas pump. she's been unemployed as long as i have. she is as downtrodden and exasperated as i am. she consoles herself w/ the fact her husband still works, her "babies" are now 26 and gainfully employed and that there are people who need a job worse than she does. she is about 10 years older than me. lives right around the corner from the gas station, nearly around the corner from me, give or take a mile. it's a small, economically depressed world.

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this week i have been battling the unemployment funk and the wondering-what-the-hell comes next funk. yesterday i was working on a freelance project (thank god for freelance). i am fact checking articles for different publications. this particular article is on trust funds and a specific one that benefits organ transplants. i had to talk to a mom who's kindergartner just had a liver transplant in september. her baby had a rare genetic disease that caused liver problems. she has two younger children who also have the same thing who also will need liver transplants. when i think of that woman i realize i don't have a whole helluva lot to bitch about in the grand scheme of things.

Dear....

2010-11-30T12:47:00.002-05:00

optimism,
would you please come back to visit me again soon? i know you can't hang out with me ALL the time, but i miss you and i'd really like to see you again.
your friend,
ck

***************
daughter,
i know you are digging this angst-filled teenager persona you've got going on, but could you try, just a little bit, to get in the damn christmas spirit? i know you don't believe in santa, but, could you WANT to watch some damn christmas movies and listen to some damn christmas music and...you know...be a little damn jolly? thanks.
love,
mom

***************
school system,
for the love of god could you please quit sending home fundraisers? really? coupon books, stadium cups, candles, frozen pastries and pizzas...enough already. the kid i have that needs to sell stuff for her trip to dc is not a salesperson.
thank you,
frazzled parent

**************
employers,
hi. you look nice; i like what you've done with your hair. you have a really fine company there. looks like you could use my help. really. i'm a good employee. i play well with others. i follow directions. i have mad communication skillz. i usually show up on time. i would love it if you'd quit dicking around and just give me a job already. and, if you'd like me to start right after christmas that would be groovy. anyone? make me an offer.
sincerely,
desperately seeking employment

**************
me,
guess what? you're down to nine rolls of wrapping paper. you know what else? i don't think you have a stash of christmas cards for this year like you thought you did. guess what else? have you seen the boxed cards this year? yeah....lots of penguins on them. i know, i know. you HATE penguins dressed up for christmas. shhhhh. calm down. you know, you are the only person on the planet who has an issue with penguins being lumped into the christmas mix right? the rest of the world does not care that all of the other christmas characters live at the north pole and penguins live at the south pole. they don't care, really. i'm sure marketers mix them in because they are one of the "cold" animals and it's typically cold this time of year. plus, you know they're always dressed for a party.
love,
your inner weirdo

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son,
thank you for being excited about christmas and decorating and watching christmas specials, even if one of the two we've watched so far was a vhs tape of beavis and butthead do christmas. i love your spirit. but, uh....could you stop now with the adding things to your christmas list? seriously, you don't think you're getting all of that stuff right? and...now that you admit that you know there isn't a santa you understand that dad and i are the ones footing the bill for this shindig right? ok, just checking. oh, and one more thing....i fucking love the fact that you are actually thinking about what you want to get me for christmas...but, i like surprises. be a little more subtle about it ok? don't tell me to quit reading the sookie stackhouse books because i'll finish the series and you won't be able to buy me one for christmas.
love,
mom

i have the eyes of a 60+ year old

2010-11-29T10:39:00.003-05:00

according to my optometrist these hazel beauties would more likely be found in the head of a 60+ year old person rather than in my 42 year old head. a couple of years ago he told me i had cataracts. he was a bit stunned that someone my age would have them. i have no thyroid problems; no diabetes; didn't grow up on the coast (people who grow up in beachy areas are more likely to have cataracts); and i don't weld or blow glass (also prone to cataracts). mine are most likely congenital. yeah me! he said at some point i MIGHT need surgery. hmmm.

i got my first pair of glasses when i was in 9th grade. i couldn't see the chalkboard. they got a little worse as the years went by. i got my first pair of contacts when i was a freshman in college. i got my eyes checked almost regularly and i almost always needed a new prescription. we've been seeing our current optometrist for probably 7-8 years. oddly enough, his father owns the company the hubs works for and his younger brother is the douche canoe/lucky sperm boy who is the hubs' boss. this guy is nothing, nothing like his father or brother.

for most of my adult life i've worn contacts, which i'd take out in the evenings and then wear glasses. a few years ago it was time to move to bi-focal contacts. for four months i tried different combinations of bi-focals, multi-focals, etc. and i just couldn't find a good fit. exasperated i went to all glasses all the time and that's when i got the pair pictured above.

i knew my eyes had gotten worse since my last appointment (about a year and a half ago). i was having more trouble seeing at night (common in 80 year olds w/ cataracts). when i went for my exam this morning he was shocked at how my vision had changed, for the worse. the cataracts are growing. he described them as mirrors of each other, nice, petal-like cataracts that are actually kind of pretty. but....he's rarely seen such on a person of my age. now it is not a matter of MIGHT needing cataract surgery it is when. possibly 2-5 years depending on how they grow. nice. the upside is that when i do have the surgery i will most likely not need any corrective lenses afterwards and if i do it might just be reading glasses. the downside is that i won't even be 50 years old, they will CUT my lenses out, i will be AWAKE for the procedure and i'm sure it will be expensive, even with insurance. nice.

on the bright side, other than the cataracts, my eyes are healthy. i am getting new glasses. we have craptastic insurance so they are not cheap glasses. the lenses cost more than the frames and co-pay for the exam. i need multi-focal, which basically mean bi-focals with an extra focal thrown in there. they will be progressive lenses, and while there won't be that tell-tale bi-focal line in them, they will take some getting used to. i've heard bad things about progressive lenses, like they're hard to get used to and some people don't get used to them. great. i also needed a special glare coating, because of the cataracts and how they filter light. yep...i'm so excited. not.

thanksgiving recap

2010-11-28T09:28:00.003-05:00

thanksgiving has come and gone and i survived. parts of it were great, parts of it were ho-hum but none of it was horrible.

we loaded up the car a little before noon on thanksgiving day to go to my folks' house. we'd gotten up and watched some of the parade with the kids and then the hubs and i had some stress-relieving sex. oddly enough this is a bit of a habit for us. if we're hosting or going to an event, we have sex beforehand. i think it is either to mark our territories (not the case w/ going to my parents' house) or stress relief. the hubs was disappointed that one of the toys i'd ordered from that party i went to a few weeks ago hadn't come in yet, a remote control, wireless bullet.

we got to their house and it was clean (my mom had taken off all week to get ready for this day, and yet every time i heard anything about it my sister was the one doing the cleaning). my dad came out of his den to say hello and then vanished again. the hubs set up his infrared turkey cooker in the backyard and started cooking the bird. (we watched food, inc. the night before. if you haven't seen it, watch it. really. also watch super size me. we've watched both in the last week and they've left an impression on me; however, i don't recommend watching either the night before thanksgiving.) the hubs sat in the den for a little while to chat with my dad, but he said all he talked about was what was on tv. the only time my dad came out was to eat and then he went back to watching tv. apparently he has realized he's been depressed for quite awhile so that is his excuse for the lact of interaction this time around.

almost two years ago my mom hired my sister's husband to paint the inside of her house. she still had not hung anything back on her walls except family pictures in her hallway that make me crazy. i am not ocd, but, she hung about 6-8 pictures down her hallway and didn't consider spacing at all; there isn't equal space between the pictures, they're all hanging crooked, it drives me nuts. after sitting in the bare-walled living room most of the day i asked her where her picture were and the hubs and i hung some stuff in her living room. half of the nails were still on the walls (who paints and leaves nails where they were?) so it's not like it was a big deal. and? she has some of the ugliest pictures. really.

my kids were pretty good playing w/ my niece and nephew. i know they get on my kids' nerves because they are whiners and annoying, but my kids were great. the boy did start getting pissed off because my nephew kept asking if they were spending the night at my mom's house too. he asked over and over and over again. drove us all nuts. i'd already told my mom no. frankly, neither of my kids wanted to stay there though of course i'm not going to say, 'my kids don't want to spend any more time than they have to w/ this niece and nephew, and, even if they weren't staying the night, they really don't have any desire to spend the night w/ you.' part of me would love to say that to my mom because that's her crop---she's reaping what she sowed w/ my kids. basically ignore them for a decade and this is the relationship you end up w/. but, that would make it my kids issue and i'd rather not do that. instead all she knows is that we said no.

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for several days the hubs had been talking about the black friday sales. he has always worked on black friday so we have never done the get up at the butt-crack of dawn thing and go shopping. we have both been in moods lately....those lying beneath the surface moods....he has been thinking about the future and has figured out that if i don't get a job by then, march will be the month that the bottom drops out of the sky; things will get really bad starting in january, but march will be our end. i have been thinking about the dwindling bank account, the bills that need paid, the christmas gifts, etc. i tell you this because most people in this situation would not want to go out shopping; the hubs responds differently. he wanted to experience the day. i put a spending cap on the day (which we didn't meet because we didn't buy one single thing.) it was doomed from the start really. the girl and i went to bed at 1:30am. the boy and the hubs pulled an all nighter. they got us up around 3:30am. we were at the first store around 4:20am. we hit a total of three stores and were home and back in bed by 6am. the girl bitched the entire time.

after our naps the hubs started getting out the outdoor christmas decorations and later we went to my bro's for dinner. since they'd spent thanksgiving w/ my sil's family this was like "our" thanksgiving w/ them. we ate and tried to see who could outdo who w/ quotes from forrest gump and then we watched elf. it was my second time this week. i love that movie.

yesterday the girl met some friends at the movies to see harry potter again. this was the first time we've ever dropped her off, left the theater completely and come back for her. when she got home we decorated the christmas trees. i can't believe we're already this far into the year. i cannot believe another christmas is here and i don't have a job.

over the river and through the woods

2010-11-24T17:50:00.003-05:00

i've been thinking a lot about my feelings about thanksgiving these last few days. i see people's fb status' talking about being excited for the holidays, and looking forward to being with family and how they are already preparing food for tomorrow.

aside from the obvious reason i don't have a warm fuzzy about thanksgiving (given my relationship w/ my parents) i think there's more to it.

when i was growing up, going home for thanksgiving was always a big deal. since my dad was in the army and we moved every three years, going home meant going back to wv, to where both sets of grandparents lived, along w/ most all of my aunts and uncles and cousins. i don't think we went home every year, certainly not the years we were in germany, but when we did there was always excitement leading up until the day we left (probably a day like today). we always drove. from georgia or north carolina or pennsylvania.

both sets of grandparents lived in the same small town so we'd usually have two thanksgiving meals, lunch and dinner. i'm sure for my folks this was quite the juggling act. as i recall though, my dad's mom always scheduled her meal around when my other grandma was having hers because she had more people to coordinate.

the two dinners could not have been more different. my dad's mom set her formal dining table, table cloth, nice dishes, the works. sometimes it was just our family and my grandparents, but i'm sure there were times when my aunt and her family were there too (her husband was in the navy so they were in the same boat as us as far as being home for the holidays).

my mom's mom had a packed house. there were seven kids (my grandma's five and my grandpa's two sons) but i think my mom's siblings were the only ones that made it home on a regular basis for the holiday. so...the siblings and their spouses and of course all the grandkids. my grandparents had a small three bedroom house and had turned the garage into a huge bedroom that turned into a den/tv room when the kids started leaving home. i'm sure they did this renovation on their own because from the outside you couldn't tell it was a bedroom....the garage door was still there. they put up a panel wall on the inside, covering the garage door and carpeted the room, though i think it was indoor/outdoor carpet if memory serves correctly. strange room. during the holidays card tables were set up out there and that's where the kids ate. everyone else gathered around the small kitchen table or ate in the living room. it was chaos, but, it was always fun. at least that's how i remember it.

maybe that's why i'm not so excited about this holiday...there's nothing to look forward to.

monday randomness

2010-11-22T09:38:00.003-05:00

we saw the latest harry potter movie this weekend. i wasn't impressed. the girl has read all of the books, numerous times...she does that when she gets hooked on a series. we had already seen a few of the movies when i tried to go back and start reading the books. epic fail. i can't see the movies of something and go back and read the book. i've tried. i have loved all of the movies up until this point, really, really enjoyed them. ron and snape have always been my faves. i cried over last year's movie. this one...i didn't feel like it moved the story on very much. since i haven't read the deathly hallows i have no idea what's in store...but it seems to me they could have done the whole thing in one movie, not two parts. the girl was pleased w/ it though, and i've heard others say it's the best one yet. i didn't think so.

*****************
the other day when the boy came home from school he brought the mail in from the mailbox and leafed through it. my kids always do this...curious i guess if there's ever anything from them. usually not. it's typically bills and junk mail. he saw a letter address to me from a local college, i'd applied for a job there. he opened the letter, excited about the fact they might be offering me a job, i knew it was a reject letter before he even opened it. i've mostly become immune to these. the boy read it and then looked up at me, sad, and said "i'm sorry mom." i told him it was ok and that i figured it was a rejection letter. he said, "they're stupid, they should hire you." he can be so incredibly sweet sometimes.

*****************
the bedrooms were cleaned...and still are. the girl's attitude mostly evaporated. i say mostly because this weekend we started discussing high school options. up until this point we'd sort of assumed she'd go to one school...but there's a new high school opening that might be an option and there's an option of an ib school (i know very little about it or the concept). i talked to a mom this weekend about the ib school (her kid goes there) and it sounds exactly like what the girl would need....a place where she would not stand out as being the smart kid. a place she'd fit in. when we brought it up to her i thought she'd be thrilled at the prospect seeing as how she's had such a tough time in middle school. she's not thrilled. even though she wants to break away from going to school w/ everyone she's going to school w/--there are a few she doesn't want to leave behind and she doesn't want to be the new kid in school, not knowing anyone. i've been there, done that but don't know how to explain to her that while initially it sucks...it can be the best thing.

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my mom had said she was coming to the girl's first indoor soccer game this weekend (it was interesting; the field is smaller and has hockey rink type walls and a net over the whole thing; the ball is never out and the game is shorter because there is no half time; it seems more aggressive too, although that could be because they played a team older and bigger than them) and she didn't. i later had an email where she told me my dad was having a rough time, emotionally, that morning and she couldn't leave him. i called yesterday, not because i really gave a shit but because i felt duty bound. today she emailed me how glad she was i called and explained to me that he's been depressed for years and is now taking antidepressants and is going to see if he can have his meds adjusted.

i don't know what do think about this information. the hubs commented that it is interesting how they always thought once they got money (the inheritance from my gma) they would be alright, money would solve all of their problems. it obviously hasn't. in a parallel universe i suppose i'd be the caring daughter and show support/love/concern. i don't feel any of those things. i suppose in that universe i'd also have learned to forgive and forget, but....i haven't. i will play the part of a child in that i will have thanksgiving dinner with them and we will celebrate christmas with them. otherwise....i just don't have a lot of emotion to give them. part of me feels that's wrong, the part of me that realizes they're getting older and will become needier. i just don't think i can excuse everything to get to the point where i care about them anymore.

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i am reading book five (there are nine) of the sookie stackhouse books. in case you don't know, these are the books the hbo series true blood is based on. though i've watched true blood and really liked it i never dvred it and so i haven't actually kept up w/ every episode. the tv series does not follow the books to the letter, at least i don't think so. i don't think this is the best writing i've ever read, but i love the storyline. i am hooked.

a come to jesus meeting

2010-11-19T15:51:00.005-05:00

last night the hubs had a cometojesus meeting with the kids to discuss their piginess. the boy (who's 11) is the the disaster king. he moves from room to room leaving a trail of books, shoes, toys, dishes in his wake. we have discussed this over and over again. the girl (13) isn't quite as bad about this...but she does tend to nest in one spot and turn it into a pig sty. while the hubs touched on this issue, reiterating that even though i am home during the day this does not mean i am the maid (thank you very much), his main focus was their bedrooms.

each kid gets $5 a week and for that they are to keep their rooms clean, put their laundry away, feed the cats/dogs and clear off the table each night after dinner. the do not keep their rooms clean; they put their laundry away after i've told them 2-3 times; the girl feeds the cats in the morning but the boy only feeds the dogs if told to on the weekends (i do it otherwise); they do clear of the table.

this could have been a relatively simple conversation. part of it is our fault because we don't enforce these rules and there are rarely consequences for not doing them. the hubs laid down the law last night. you will clean your rooms. that would have been it. but....the girl got sassy.

"why do we have to clean our rooms, nobody sees them?" she asked with that tone in her voice, you the one.

"because you should take pride in your room." the hubs said, calmly but forcefully.

"you want me to take pride in a ROOM?" she asked, like he'd just told her she had two heads or something.

i raised my eyebrows, shocked that she was taking this dangerous path. the hubs looked at me like, oh no the hell she didn't.

"yes, i want you to take pride in your room. would you not take a shower and go to school in dirty clothes?" he asked.

"yeah, i would. it's not like anyone would pay attention anyway." she said in that insolent, goth, emo persona she reverts to when she is pinned in a corner or pissed or upset. (ok, so more and more often.)

the hubs voice raises a little, he's not yelling, but he's being stern. the australian shepherd starts going nuts. she gets ansty when there is tension in the house, i kid you not. she prances around and wants outside and jumps up on your lap (she is not a lapsized dog) she has even jumped on the back of the recliner to lay her head on my shoulder before.

there is more back and forth, the hubs' blood pressure is rising. the girl is sitting in the recliner, acting all dismissive and nonchalant when she's not spewing forth disrespect. the boy is standing in front of the hubs at attention almost (on his own, not because he was told to) and quiet tears are running down his face. he does not back talk. i think if anything he's learned it's a bad idea from his sister.

the hubs lays the smack down on them....no tv and no computer until the rooms are clean. they have until sunday afternoon. this is gracious plenty time because seriously, if they just went in there and spent a solid hour, maybe two, those rooms would be military spotless. but of course it never works that way. they drag it out.

cut to today afterschool. the girl had to stay after for her leadership club. the boy got home, i reminded him no tv, no computer and i'd be back in 10 minutes. i picked up the girl, tried to make small talk and she answered me in clipped tones. when we pulled in the driveway she sat in the car doing her homework for nearly an hour. i let her. the only thing she said on the way home was that she knew they needed to clean their rooms but why did we have to pick on them the night csi was on and she was going to use her stay up an extra hour pass?

the hubs gets home, the kids are sitting at the table. i know their thoughts. they're thinking if they are sullen and dejected enough the hubs will cave. he stands firm. they go to clean their rooms. the girl comes out in 20 minutes and says she's done and wants the hubs to check it. he asked her if she was sure it was clean. she got huffy AGAIN and said "well we don't know what your standards are!" (this is a stall tactic because they both know what i expect of a clean room, we've been over it a million times) there was more back and forth. they continued cleaning. she then reverted to something she has not done since she was in kindergarten and got in trouble.....the dramatic sobbing as loud as she can from her room, ensuring that we will hear her. we ignored it.

during dinner she hung her head, was silent and still sobbing quietly.

the hubs got hard ass on her and made her go to the boys' karate class with him tonight rather than having the extra time to clean her room. she will be bored to death. and pissed. he warned her, several times, that the disrespect and surliness and attitude will not win her this battle. he warned her that he can make her life much more miserable than she can make his.

and so readers....i think we will be having a battle of wills this weekend at chez creative kerfuffle.

my sil just made me fucking day with this bit of info....but it also serves as an example of just how freaking small the world is, even on the interwebs.

a friend of hers on fb made a comment on someone else's fb page and my sil recognized the names as being someone at the hubs' company. omfg---the hubs' lucky-sperm-boy boss's wife has a douchey blog. ok. i will be nice because i'm sure if i were her friend i wouldn't think it is douchey, but, i looked down her list of blogs and they are douchey too. again. so mean and snarky of me but these are....how can i put this....uncool mommy blogs. let me explain. of course those of us who blog and have kids write posts about our little hellions from time to time. some brave souls even post pics of their spawn and are themselves...right out there on their blogs (unlike me who hides behind this ck facade). anywho...the boss's wife uses her full name and posts a jillion pics of her kids and that's pretty much all she talks about. oh, and? how HARD her husband works! i seriously think the hubs might have a coronary when i show him that post. boss dude is the poster boy for a SLACKER; does not work regular hours (and if his wife thinks he's working hard where the hell does he spend all of his time?); he's on vacation all the time (and there are pics on her blog to prove it). oh....i could go on and on. but it just brings me joy that she has a public blog and i can lurk on it and then snicker at her. from afar of course.

sharing and not sharing

2010-11-18T09:31:00.002-05:00

i know i've already posted today but sometimes the brain kicks into overdrive and cannot be stopped.

first....stop whatever it is you are doing and go to my sidebar and read the post from pseudo and only a movie. they contain clips of longish videos (10-20 mins) but are so worth it you will come back here and give me a big wet kiss. ok, maybe not with tongue, but still. these videos and the ideas in them make me desperate for better education for my kids; make me want to break them out of the institutional mold and stimulate their brains; they make me want reform in education (even though i already wanted it) and i think every education major and teacher need to watch these on a regular basis...hell, everyone who has anything to do w/ kids.

ok, go watch.

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the other thought i had isn't as nice and fluffy and soaring, uplifting, exciting. in fact, it kind of outs me as a sniveling, petty person. i can't help it or ignore it.

so....i've talked before about this group of friends i've grown a part from; girls i used to work with at my most recent job. i have lost touch with them for the most part. and, while my head realizes that our lives are on different channels and that part of the reason i was friends w/ some of them was just proximity anyway....it still gives me a little green twinge of jealousy when they talk on fb about getting together. granted....most of the things they do are either at times i can't or are just not for me. you know what? it's not even really about that...it's about the fact that i feel rejected by them. i know that i am not the world's best friend...i am lazy and have little time to invest....but aside from one that i still feel close to and talk w/....none of the others really made any efforts to keep the friendship going either. yeah, i know, suck it up and put on my big girl panties right? i so get it. most days i really, really do not care but other days i feel rejected, and not just in an oh i forgot about you way, but purposefully and maliciously.

and then i feel like a huge douche because....i bet this is how my sister feels when we do stuff w/ my bro and his family and don't include her. granted, i can justify it because .....well i just don't like being around my sister all that much. i have nothing in common with her other than blood and parents. i can justify it by saying it's not like i ever was her friend and then stopped being friends w/ her...because we've never had that relationship. ugh....too many thoughts swirling around today.

a gift i will never want

2010-11-18T08:19:00.003-05:00

the holidaze are approaching and with it come the barrage of commercials for all kinds of gifts. this morning on the radio i heard an ad for a gift i never want to receive....laser hair removal.

the person in the commercial talked about how convenient it was to not have to think about your outfit each day based on the amount of hair on your body. hmmmmm. is this REALLY a problem? when did shaving your legs and pits become such an overwhelming task that you not only need to pay someone else to remove it but to do so with lasers? the ad said you could get a treatment for yourself and other treatment to give as a gift for one low price. really? i can't imagine getting that gift certificate. hey ck, i noticed you're pretty hairy, try this laser hair removal. uh....no thanks.

i realize that i am probably out of the loop on tons of health and beauty regimens/products/services....hell it's only be a year or three since i got my first pedicure and i'm 42 years old. i don't have my eyebrows waxed, though, i could see the need for that if you were a particularly hirsute person. as i've gotten older i have also come to understand the need for facial waxing in general as i get chin hairs. for now i tweeze them, but, if it gets worse i'm totally going to start having my chin waxed.

still, i can't fathom a time when shaving my legs or armpits would get to be such a chore that it would be easier for me to make an appointment, travel to a spa or wherever you have such things done, wait, spend the time (and money) for the procedure and then drive home. that doesn't sound any easier than lathering up and running a razor down your leg.

am i missing something?

you want me to do WHAT for $40?

2010-11-17T16:13:00.003-05:00

let me preface this rant by saying i am forever grateful for freelance work. really and truly i am. and, for the most part i enjoy the work. for our little local magazine i interview business people and write stories about them. it's basically an advertorial, but i could seriously write these things in my sleep as this type of thing is something i've been doing for decades. because it is easy and right in my hood and the pay is fine. it's low, but fine.

a custom publisher i've interviewed w/ twice (and they hired from w/in both times) sends some work my way once in awhile. fact checking and writing stories. some of the stories are out of my comfort zone (financial) but i get by. and the pay is pretty decent.

a marketing company i've been working for off and on for years also pays well but the work comes in spurts and it's mostly press releases. boring.

so...i troll around the interwebs and local publishing companies looking for freelance jobs all the time. there are two local pubs that i've been emailing back and forth. same owner, same exact type of magazine (you have them in your town, those family/women's magazines printed on newsprint w/ a glossy cover and it's all about local businesses, fluff stuff and they're free in doctor's offices, grocery stores, etc.) so anyway....they pay for shit. seriously.

i have one assignment from them so far. $40 to write a 500-700 word story (that right there is cheap! cheap!) but, if i can do it over the phone i could knock it out pretty quickly. the subject (who i'm still trying to pin down for a day and time to interview and have been doing so for more than a week) wants me to come to her office which is at least 30 mins away. really? so i'm really not to pleased about this at all but i said i'd do it and i will.

today i get an email from the chick at the magazine w/ the editorial calendars for next year. she says to look over them and let her know what i'd be interested in writing. it's like shopping or picking out things on a menu. ok, i can handle that. so i email her back w/ a dozen or more things i found interesting. then she emails me back and says, well, the cover stories are off limits because they have a person they've used for years who does that, ok. and for the other stories? she wants me to come up w/ the ideas for them, basically pitch her story ideas based on the lose references she has on her edit calendar. really? for $40 you not only want me to come up with the story ideas and contacts/references and go far and wide to interview/work on these stories and then write 500-700 words on it? wow.

folks, i'm not saying i'm too good for this work or that i probably won't do some of it, but....that's asking a lot of a person for $40.

*i wrote this draft the other day when i was pissed off. since then i am convinced these $40-paying people are insane. a friend of mine sent an email to several people asking what she should charge a person to interview them and write their 500 word bio for their website. i suggested $100 and everyone on the email said that was lowballing. they would charge $300, at least. wow.

the longest, most random post

2010-11-17T09:16:00.003-05:00

lately i have been thinking about just how long i've been unemployed, maybe more so this week because i am hoping for an interview with one company and i just picked up three freelance gigs. i think about how different our lives have been since i've been home. i know for the most part the hubs has worried about and been stressed out about the financial aspects of it, not just the day to day but the big picture. the fact that we'll have the first kid going to college in 4 years and the second one not far behind. the fact that we really don't want to work until we drop dead from exhaustion, never being able to retire and travel etc. those big picture things worry me too.

but, as the one here day in and day out i also see the positives. the girl has been able to be much more involved with the things she loves about school....national academic league (which meets after school) the only place she says she "fits" because of her nerdiness (her words, not mine). the boy is able to take some karate classes that he wouldn't be able to because of their timing (even though the hubs usually takes him). for the most part all of the chores and running errands and housework are done during the week so our weekends are ours--aside from karate and soccer. i think, at least with the girl, we've formed a bond that might have been missed had i been at work. middle school has been hard for her and while she wears her emotions on her sleeves most of the time, there are things that come out in normal conversation that might not have happened before. not big things, but things that let me get into her head, if that makes any sense.

yesterday afternoon she tried out for all county orchestra. i was a little surprised she wanted to because honestly i don't think it's something she's passionate about. she's been in orchestra (viola) all three years of middle school and she's always made an a in that class, but...she's not fired up about it. she practices at home in spurts. try outs were held at a middle school in our county but it was about 30 mins away. they took the activity bus to the school but parents had to pick their kids up afterwards. we were driving home around 5:15 p.m. and the traffic was bad. i realized that this is how it will be when i get a job. rather than being home either making or contemplating dinner and watching over the boy doing his homework or spurring him on to get ready for karate i will be on my way home from work. then i go to thinking about how everything will change--evenings will be rushed, dinner will be a juggling act, after school care (at least for the boy) will be something to deal with. i can't remember how we did it all before. granted, before when i worked we didn't have karate classes going on or soccer and the girl wasn't in any after school clubs/meetings.

right now i am not overly concerned about the after school care issue. most likely we'd let the girl come home alone after school; she'd be here 3-4 hours on her own. i have no doubt she could handle that. however, i also have no doubt i could leave them both home, every day, w/out there being major issues. i'd be getting phone calls every half hour or someone would be maimed or something. it would just not work. there are a couple of after school care options open for the boy, so i'm not that worried about it. it's the summer that concerns me. i'm pretty sure the girl has aged out of any summer childcare programs; she'll be 14 in jan. i can't leave her here, at home, all day, every day all summer. she'd be stuck in the house alone every day. the rules are if she's home alone there is no bike riding, swimming, trampoline. not a good summer. what do people do with their kids who are too old for daycare but not old enough to stay by themselves all summer?

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in my last post i talked about how much i'm dreading the holidays. sigh....it's not REALLY that bad i suppose. no, i don't look forward to spending thanksgiving w/ my folks, but there are other things to be happy about. the hubs is looking forward to thanksgiving with gusto. well, i should clarify...he is looking forward to turkey and the food. for the last two weeks, at least once a day we have a conversation about turkey. i'm not exaggerating. one of the grocery stores had a sale last week and i got a turkey (hubs is cooking it at my mom's house for t-day). the hubs asked why i didn't get more than one. today another store has them on sale so i will be getting at least one more turkey to put in the freezer for the thanksgiving weekend. dude is serious about some turkey. however, he has a goal of losing a few more pounds before thanksgiving, which will be his pad, allowing him to eat on thanksgiving. oy vey do not even get me started about this man's thoughts on weight loss. regardless of how crazy i think he is....he is successful with it. he's lost 40 pounds since august. and not in a crazy, starve yourself crash diet kind of way. he's eating healthier and exercising. a lot. people are noticing his loss and commenting and despite the fact that dude has never lacked in the self confidence department, you can tell it makes him feel good.

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this morning i went in to wake up the boy (7am) after seeing the girl off on the bus. it's hit or miss w/ him. some mornings i turn on the light and say wakey wakey eggs and bakey or call him by one of his nicknames and say it's time to get up. he'll either roll over and hold up his hand asking for five more minutes or he'll just get up. this morning he rolled around and looked at me and said he didn't want to be eggs and bakey. that cute sleepy face called to me and i snuggled in the bed w/ him for a few minutes. he snuggled in and just out of the blue said, i'll probably test for my red belt before christmas. dude is all karate 24/7! lol. so we talked a little about karate and then he got up.

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yesterday the boy got a package of mexican candy from my friend texas. all kinds of different things we'll be trying : ) the boy took some of it in to school today to share w/ his spanish class. he was so excited. kids love love love getting shit in the mail, and when it's candy? even better. the boy still cannot wrap his brain around why my friend, who has never met him, would send him such a gift. : ) it's kind of sad and sweet at the same time.

even though the hubs knows texas and i have reconnected and i've shared some stories from our emails with him and told him, several times, we email almost daily...this morning he finally said, you and texas just picked right up where you left off didn't you? of course he knows her, the hubs and i were dating in high school when texas and i were bff's, but i guess it just finally sunk in that we're so tight again, even from thousands of miles away.

coming up on the dreaded holidays

2010-11-15T09:54:00.002-05:00

as i've said before, halloween is my favorite holiday. although i don't always do so, i love dressing up. i love helping the kids pick out costumes or making them. i love candy. i love halloween decorations. i love that you don't give gifts and aren't expected to be the walton's. the last two are the very reasons i dread the upcoming holidays.

we will be going to my parents' house for thanksgiving dinner. this is my bro and sil's year to go to her parents' house for dinner so we won't even have the comfort of them being there. it will be my family and my parents and my sister's family. i am already dreading it. my mom is a horrible cook, worse than me even. my picky kids will eat turkey and/or ham and black olives and rolls. this is partly their fault because they are so damn picky, but also because my mom is a bad cook. in order to provide at least something yummy for them to eat, the hubs volunteered to make the turkey because the one my mom usually makes is dry. as dirt. so much so that the boy even makes comments about it.

so, we will go there and my mom can pretend we're the waltons and that she is this loving mother and grandmother. since the reconciliation, aside from her coming to a few of the girl's soccer games, there really hasn't been any change in our relationship. for the most part i am fine with this because i really didn't want her to assume we were going to be bffs all of a sudden, but i am surprised she hasn't made more of an effort towards my kids. eh...i really shouldn't be surprised. i had to roll my eyes at a post my sister made on fb this morning...she said she is thankful for a mother who loves her kids and grandkids and talked about how much her kids enjoyed spending the weekend w/ her and helping her decorate for christmas. good for her. my mom didn't ask my kids to come over and help, but honestly at this point my kids wouldn't have wanted to anyway.

after thanksgiving we'll have christmas. i do love decorating for christmas and baking cookies and the possibility of snow and christmas music and getting together with my bro and his family. but...this year, since me, my sister and my sil are all unemployed we decided no gifts. for anyone. no exchanging names among the adults or kids. i was all on board with this in my head because i understand the financial ramifications of it. but...i hate it. well...let me clarify...i want to buy gifts for my brother's family. i am a horrible person because i don't like buying gifts for my parents (hard to feel good about giving someone you don't like a gift, especially when months later you find the gift sitting there, unused (which is always the case w/ my dad)). i also don't care so much about giving gifts to my sister and her family. i know that's horrible, but it's just how i feel. the last few years we had drawn names, mostly i think because it got expensive to buy for everyone, even when we had jobs. since my sister has three kids and my brother and i have two, it seemed like i hardly ever got to buy for my brother's kids. that's just wrong.

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and, on a totally different note. in the last few weeks i've done something i should have done eons ago. i've cut our satellite and phone bills. not completely, but significantly. the phone bill was by accident. we have our landline and internet bundled together. when the phone was on the fritz a few weeks ago i was looking up the customer service number online and discovered there was a package rate that was much cheaper than what i was paying. like $20 cheaper. so i had them cut my phone bill. then, this weekend the hubs was investigating netflix. we'd been thinking about it for awhile. we compared what we typically spend in a month at redbox. we looked at the premium channels we have on satellite (which rarely get watched). so, we dropped some channels on satellite and are quitting redbox and getting netflix and still saving money. the hubs set up the netflix to stream through the wii. the technology of this blows my mind. but, it was movie overboard weekend around here. omg. i LOVE movies. LOVE them. but even i got a little sick of watching them. hopefully the excitement will die down. if it doesn't i'll have to put my foot down and limit their viewing pleasure.

from one extreme to the other

2010-11-12T07:21:00.004-05:00

moss covered roof
old water mill on the blue ridge parkway

yesterday was a good day except for the fact the hubs had to work and didn't get to enjoy any of it w/ us. the kids and i went on a day trip w/ my bro, sil, puddin' and gameboy driving along the blue ridge parkway. we had a picnic at this old water mill. i had more pics to upload but blogger hasn't been cooperating. it was such a relaxing, unplugged day. i won't say we got lost, because we did get back home, but we took a....clark griswald route to get home, winding around back roads...i called it blue ridge vacation. but i love rides like that...seeing the scenery...looking at old houses etc. we had a good time.

last night i went to a...sex toy party! lol. omg. i had never been to one of these parties so i had no idea what to expect. i only knew the hostess. it was fun, and interesting...although way too long for a school night party. at 8:45pm the boy calls me on my cell, "uh, where are you?" i told him i was still at the party and wasn't sure when i'd be home. i told them it was a pampered chef party, not that they really even have an idea what that is. i got home around 10:30 w/ some goodies and a catalog. she showed us everything from body scents laced w/ pheromones (or should it be pheromoans...lol); a variety of lubes; an assortment of potions that, when placed on certain spots (clits) will drive you crazy; dildos (seriously, why would you go for a dildo instead of a vibrator?) and an assortment of vibrators that blew my mind. hundred dollar vibrators. amazing vibrators. seriously, if i were a single woman w/out ready access to a man i'd invest in a few of those numbers. a few of the women asked if the rep ever had couples parties. and, do you know what? it is against the law to have men at those types of parties! no shit. it is considered a form of sexual solicitation. really? the rep told us of a rep who left the company she works for, went to another company, had a couples party and got busted...3 years in jail! for having a couples sex toy party. insane.

this morning when the boy got up he said, "you weren't here when i went to bed last night," in a sad voice. folks, this made me happy and sad. when i was working and traveled a lot my kids got used to me being away from home, out of town for several days at a time. when i'd call from a biz trip they half-assed talked to me, too engrossed in whatever they were doing to really talk. when i'd come home there wasn't a big fanfare or welcome. but, the boy missed me last night. then he started a barrage of questions about where i was. i told him, again, a pampered chef party. what's that? cookware...tools for use in the kitchen...baking stuff. so, he asks, what did you do at this party? we had some snacks and the woman showed us different products and how to use them. he said, in his most sarcastic voice, yeah, that sounds REALLY exciting. ah....little does he know...little does he know ; )

a hodge podge

2010-11-09T14:00:00.002-05:00

last night the battery in our smoke detector started beeping at around 2 a.m. my first thought was holy hell the house is on fire. my second thought was, omg this is just like the last episode of modern family where the dad runs around trying to figure out which smoke detector battery is dying. i LOVE that show btw. modern family and cougar town. rock.

i got up, got a foot stool and took the batteries out of the smoke detector. the hubs had just changed them about a week ago, but the batteries came from THE DRAWER and when batteries live in there there is no telling if they're good or not. why? because my kids don't throw batteries away when they're done, they put them in THE DRAWER. (you have that drawer too right? the one in the kitchen that ends up jam packed w/ all of the stuff that you always need and can never find? tape. screwdrivers. old tv remotes. dog brushes. nail clippers. ok, you get the point.)

the beeping stopped. then i was overwhelmed w/ this irrational fear that the house would catch on fire and we wouldn't know about it. since the house across the street burned down last year i have had the fear of a house fire in the back of my mind. it lurks there, waiting for a time when i'm most vulnerable to come out and pounce me. it did so last night. i got up a few times because i was quite sure the attic was on fire and i smelled smoke. of course it wasn't, but, you know how irrational fears play tricks on your mind.

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over the weekend the girl sprained her ankle in one of her soccer games. i barely even noticed she'd hurt herself until they were subbing another girl in and the girl was walking slowly off the field. when she got to the sidelines i asked her what was wrong and she said her ankle hurt. she'd twisted it running, didn't fall down, but hurt it just the same. lots of ice and tlc over the weekend and yesterday i took her to the dr for xrays. yep, sprained. she's in an air cast for a couple of weeks; hopefully it will heal in time for her to start indoor soccer. she stayed home w/ me yesterday. it was kinda nice to have her around for the day, even though she just watched tv and goofed around.

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this morning i was out running errands and though it is only the first part of november i was attacked a little bit but the christmas bug. damn that target. all of the christmas decor/candy is out and they have those christmas cds on the end cap that play through holiday music. i love holiday music. no, i'm not getting my cds out and putting them in the car. yet. but soon, very soon.

i had to laugh when i was at the drug store because the woman in line behind me was scarfing up a cart load of blank vhs tapes. she was talking loudly about how they were going to stop selling them and she wouldn't be able to find any and damn this and damn that and she didn't know anything about dvd players or tapes. i could practically read the 20-something clerk's mind as he told her of places she could have her tapes converted to dvds and she said but then she'd have to buy a dvd player and she didn't know a damn thing about how to work them. it made me reflect on my luddite post a few weeks ago. i'm bad, but not quite that bad.

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the boy has to wear a cup to protect his junk in karate class. i realize he's a kid, but he cracks himself up by walking around the house after class hitting the cup w/ different objects. like nun chucks. i think he might have a screw loose.

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i have started christmas shopping for the kids. a little here and there to ease the pain of one big shopping trip. i have in mind things i want to get them, but i always ask them for a list as well. should i be concerned that the girl wants colored latex gloves? her list also includes a NICE 3-hold punch (not the crappy one i got her from the dollar store); post it notes; nail polish and black lipstick.

another world

2010-11-06T09:26:00.003-05:00

fall didn't stay here long. it seems i was lamenting about the long hot days just a few weeks ago. we had a few glorious days of fall--when it's 60, low 70s and sunny and you can just detect a hint of crispness in the air. there are still plenty of leaves on many of the trees in our yard, but, there are tons on the ground ready for raking. i had to turn the heat on yesterday--it had gotten down to 63 in the house.

the town we live in is small, roughly 20,000 people, nestled between two much larger cities. it is a bedroom town for the most part. our main street is our historical district and a few of the houses are on the historical registry. the founders of our town were german, and yet not a german restaurant to be found. an old furniture factory on main street was converted into retail space a few years ago. exposed brick walls, hardwood floors throughout. it oozes charm. there are only a handful of businesses in there, most are overpriced in my opinion. there's also a restored train depot (though trains don't stop there anymore) and some simply gorgeous old homes, some of which have been turned into businesses while others are still private residences.

this town is old and there are generations of founding families still here. we've lived here for about 20 years and i'm sure we're still considered outsiders, that is if the insiders knew who we were. there is no doubt a core of born and raised natives who barely realize there is a constituency of inhabitants that hail from other places. it reminds me a lot of my "hometown" in wv. small community flanked by bigger cities. people who are born, live and die in the same place and view anyone who doesn't have three generations behind them as a newcomer.

oddly enough, we don't venture out of our little burg much (other than when the hubs is working and he's all over the state then). when we go out to eat (not often) we stay in town. when we shop, we stay in town. we have a few big-box stores (target, lowes, kohl's, the evil empire) but that's it.

the very day after halloween the town started putting up the christmas decorations. i don't remember it being this early last year. i love christmas and its decorations etc. but, not quite so soon in the season. the hubs is already dreaming of turkey and its yummy goodness.

we have one, horrible, newspaper. it's quite small, privately owned, comes out 2-3 times a week. since we've lived here we've always received the free delivery issues on tuesdays and thursdays. it runs the local high school sports info (which is a whole section unto itself); there are about 2 pages of op eds (one always written by the owner/publisher who is about a million yrs old) and the rest is scattered w/ a few stories about civic groups etc. i have sent my resume to them probably five times in the last 20 years and have never heard even a no-thank you from them. when i interview business owners for a local magazine the only time they reference the newspaper is to complain about it. it's sad really. a town this size could use a good, well written newspaper. i sometimes read the stories and wince. it is that bad.

i do find it interesting for a town this small and seemingly so set in its ways to have a female mayor. she's quite nice and friendly. her son goes to school w/ the boy and we've been acquaintances for several years. she also hosts the monthly lego club meetings for the boy's elementary school. i have no idea if she is an insider or an outsider, but she's roughly my age, married, three kids, quite unassuming. we have crime, like any other place, but it is huge news when it becomes serious. a couple of years ago a man was shot in a restaurant parking lot; his son had had a scuffle w/ a gang, the dad came to help his kid and was killed. gangs and bullying are the crimes we hear about most in our town. not like crips and bloods gangs (at least i don't think so).

when i think about my surroundings, compared to my friend's it seems worlds apart. she assures me that where she LIVES (as compared to where she works) is quite safe and despite the proximity the horror and violence is not the same.

a horrible dose of reality

2010-11-04T10:12:00.002-05:00

i don't watch the news much. i used to but it got to be too much. too depressing. too much mayhem and violence and despair. i am one to stick my head in the sand. this week the hubs has been watching a lot of news because of the elections. there was a story on one of the stations about the rise in murders and crime in juarez and el paso. i was alarmed and scared.

the bff from high school that i've reconnected with lives in el paso and she and her husband work in juarez. i asked her about it and i cannot even begin to imagine what her day to day life is like. they take different routes to work every day. they drive modest cars so as not to attract attention. she takes her lunch to work so as not to be out on the street. people in her company have been kidnapped. KIDNAPPED. the cartel left the head of a person on the trunk of a car parked at the entrance to the industrial park she works in. on the way to her son's school she saw a police van flipped over on its side. she's seen dead bodies on the side of the road.

i don't even know what to say about this. what to think about it. it scares the shit out of me. it scares me for her and her husband and her sweet little boy. she is strong and stays positive and probably never would have said a word about it had i not seen the news and asked her. she is amazing. i can't wrap my brain around this at all.

weird science

2010-11-02T06:19:00.003-05:00

a couple of weeks ago the boy's homeroom teacher emailed parents to see if anyone could come in for two afternoons to help w/ science labs. an hour for two days. i could do that.

i should point out that i'm not a consistent volunteer. i've gone on my share of field trips w/ both kids. helped out at a few school parties, sent in supplies when requested, etc. but i don't volunteer for everything. i thought the boy would be excited because even though he's in 5th grade, he hasn't turned away from me yet. by the time the girl was in 5th grade i couldn't get too close to her at school events and she certainly would not come up and hug me or overly acknowledge i was even there. the boy is just the opposite.

turns out i'm not even helping the boy's class. he spends the majority of his day w/ his ag teacher, not his homeroom teacher, the one who requested volunteers. though you would assume science would be an integral part of class each day, it is not this year because they cut the budget and lost their full time science teacher at the end of last year. the kids rotate between teachers for science and my kid is doing social studies now, not science.

yesterday was my first day helping in the class. they were doing weather stations and my station was to observe the effects of wind erosion on sugar cubes. the sugar cubes are hot glued to the back of a shoe box, with the opposite end cut off. i sprinkle sand mixed w/ little rocks and rock salt onto the opening and the kids blow through straws aimed at the mixture.

the boy was in the classroom across the hall and when he came out of his room he saw me through the door window and waved excitedly. i was in the classroom until the end of the day, when they're stacking their chairs and getting ready to leave. the boy comes into his homeroom and comes up and hugs me w/ a big grin on his face. then he says to his classmates, isn't my mom awesome?

it made my day : ) he was also a little excited because i took him home w/ me and he didn't have to ride the bus.

after the storm

2010-11-01T15:33:00.003-05:00

....and all is right w/ the world. the "storm" blew in as quickly as it blew out. i am feeling much, much better now. i honestly think it might be pre-menopausal hormone fluctuation or something.

regardless--all is well again and we've been busy.

my sweet, sweet baby boy turned 11 on the 28th. still so hard for me to believe how quickly my children are growing up. i want to capture every moment and hide it away. if i could be a time/moment/memory hoarder i'd totally do it. he is my outgoing happy-go-lucky child. he is fierce and sweet and still affectionate. he hugs me in public and loves when i come to his school or class. he is incredibly artistic and talented and smart as a whip. the night after his birthday he had his first sleepover and invited five friends. although they were loud (much louder than girls) they were mostly well-behaved. there was one boy i won't want to come back---he is obnoxious and egotistic and rude and basically an ass. i can't even believe the other kids can stand him.

sunday we went trick or treating in my brother's neighborhood, like we've done for years. halloween is my favorite holiday--the decorations, the dressing up, the candy...i love everything about it. it's a holiday w/out many expectations, which is probably the main reason i love it. the hubs...dear god i'm so lucky to have this guy...knows what a halloween nut i am and is ever on the watch for halloween decorations on sale (he scored big today so we'll have an even cooler yard display next year). he also embraced my desire to dress up this year. i always like dressing up, but don't always do it because i can't come up w/ a fun/cool/creative costume. this year we went as mr and mrs claus! it was awesome : ) the boy went as a werewolf and the girl went as abby from ncis. it was awesome!

now all of the halloween stuff is down and packed away.

there was a storm

2010-10-27T08:39:00.002-05:00

it had been building up for a few days i suppose. i could feel it in the atmosphere. unsettled. angry. roiling. gathering up for big gale (or should i say gayle?) force winds; torrential downpours; bolts of lightening.

you'd think after all these years i'd see the warning signs....like those that flash across the bottom of the tv screen....high winds; tornado watch. but, much like the weather outside, i can't control myself when i get to this point. if i were a smarter person i might figure out what my trigger is. for decades i've chalked it up to pms, and maybe that could be part of it, but i don't unleash this crazy storm on a monthly basis. and i think the older i get the further apart the storms are.

i think it always starts the same way. i get my feelings hurt or something insignificant in the grand scheme of life gets under my skin and starts growing like an evil, deformed pearl in an oyster. i start cussing at people in my head. i check out, briefly, when i am fed up and i'm quite certain my eyes glaze over. i become a little despondent. i get weepy and high strung and oh so very huffy over every damn thing. i rant and rave (sometimes in emails, sometimes in my head) about things i might let slide or mildly get annoyed with were it any other day of the year/month/week. i blow things out of proportion.

there is this....scourge inside me that keeps growing and no matter how hard i try to reason with it or dismiss it or ignore it it keeps rising to the surface until i explode. i say mean things. i use words like always and never (as in, you always do this or you never do that)---words i hate when they're used on me. i give voice to feelings i did truly feel....but when i say them out loud they seem ridiculous. thoughts, feelings, words that made perfect sense in the cyclonic brew of my brain for a few days seem vile and hateful and...just wrong when they are spoken.

and then i cry. the crying where your head hurts and your nose keeps running and for lack of a tissue you wipe it on your pajama top. and the sane part of you is standing outside your body saying, oh.my.god. you are certifiably nuts; you are insane; you really are trying to fuck up a perfectly good/happy/loving thing aren't you?; you are your own worst enemy when you are like this; and you're wiping your nose on your shirt? what is WRONG with you? why are you like this?

and then it gets a little quieter. and the storm has petered out. it dissipates. waking up the next morning after a big storm i'm a little skittish. was anything damaged? how bad was it? is it fixable? and i'm overcome with remorse for my behavior. and i'm drained and exhausted from the emotional turmoil. i wonder how anything can survive and be strong when faced with this type of storm off and on for decades.

maybe this is one of the many, many reasons we're meant to be together. he's the only one who can...and will...weather all the storms with me.

irritated and itchy

2010-10-26T08:52:00.002-05:00

i am skeptical of people who are always disgustingly cheerful on fb. i find them insincere. i am friends w/ a former work associate that i barely know. admittedly i accepted her friend request for purely selfish and heinous reasons; i thought she might help me network and find a job. alas, i just couldn't fake it so she's just one of those friends on my page who's not really a friend. she amasses friends on fb and twitter like her life depended on it, though it is all part of her plan to build herself as a brand as it were. something she's actually succeeding at. but, whenever i read her status updates i always wonder....what is she REALLY thinking? what is she REALLY like, because seriously, she cannot enjoy everything as much as she's saying she does. nobody can be that positive and "on" as much as she is.

likewise i am disgusted by people who always bitch on fb. i don't understand it. i have a cousin who posts all kinds of semi-cryptic messages about how fucked up her life is and then five minutes later she's posting about how much she loves her kids and husband. i stopped commenting on any of her status updates because i just really do not give a fuck. the hubs' nephew (a senior in high school) also does this, but i feel sad for him instead of the contempt i feel towards my cousin. contempt is a strong word--i just feel like telling my cousin, put on your big girl panties and grow the fuck up. you're 30 fucking years old, on your second marriage, raising two small kids and all you do is bitch and moan. the nephew, a totally different story. i think he's had a rough childhood (so i can relate to him) and while i'm quite positive he's not the model child or student, he's still a kid and i think a lot of his problems come from bad parenting.

i think i might have inadvertently stuck my foot in something on fb. my cousin, the younger one who just got married last month, announced on fb that they're having a baby boy. so, it was supposed to be a big secret she got pregnant shortly before they got married, but i don't think it really was. it just wasn't talked about. so...the cuz is flashing fetus pics online, excited he's having a boy...and then i'm all like...so, when's the baby due. if fb were real you could have heard crickets chirping. in my defense, when someone announces they're having a baby and they've found out the gender it's logical to ask when it will be born. i honestly didn't even think about the timeline (nor, frankly, do i care). i really don't think anyone cares (except maybe the grandparents?) that she was pregnant before they got married. something like that isn't really taboo any more is it?

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we had the boy and the nephew's joint bday party this weekend. it's the first time my parents have been here since...probably the girl's birthday party in january. it was as if nothing had ever happened i suppose. i am cordial with them. other than that....i really don't have a lot of feelings there. after the party the hubs told me about a conversation he'd had w/ my sister. she said that her daughter (my oldest niece) had bug bites on her and had been itching; that she only got them when she was in her bedroom. holy hell. of course i'm now freaking the hell out thinking they may have brought those creepy crawly bed insects into my house. srsly? it is not confirmed that she has them; but, if she does....how easy is it for them to hitch a ride on my sister and her family and then jump onto my sofa???????

this is the problem with deep cleaning

2010-10-21T10:39:00.002-05:00

i've been productive this week, more so than usual. i've used windex on all the glass surfaces (to include the french doors to the patio. talk about a wasted task--the dogs nose it up daily and i'll be damned if i'm windexing it ever day.) i've become great friends w/ my oreck vacuum cleaner and its tag-a-long partner the hand-held vac.

today i started on our dining room. now, one would think for a room that never gets used for its intended purpose (because we always eat at the kitchen table) this room would be clean, dusty but clean. ha. the table is full of my freelance notes, bills, etc. the kids' books, papers, etc. and...a huge box that has been stashed in the corner since i got laid off in april 09. i suppose i thought i'd quickly be unpacking that box and placing all my mementos on another desk within the blink of an eye. yeah...not so much. today i'm going through the box.

really, this room should take an hour tops to clean. dust the table, vacuum, toss the trash out of the box, put the other stuff away....and yet here i am going through a box of memories. there are copies of all the publications (i went through and tagged a few stories); there are reference books that sit on every desk at every job (thesaurus, dictionary, style guide, etc.) some reference books specific to the industry i worked in (and i'm not sure if i need to toss them out or not) and then all of the personal stuff one accumulates (if you are like me and a hoarder) on a desk after being with a company for seven years. i haven't finished going through the box, but there are slips of paper and magazine pages filled w/ quotes; pics my kids drew for me at varying ages. there is a folder filled w/ pages/pics ripped from magazines (many are of rod stewart, imagine that); colors and objects that caught my eye at the time.

silly trinkets i'd collected on my desk. i might have to take some pics and share them w/ you. for some unknown reason...i have a dried orange. somehow it came to live on my desk (perhaps a forgotten lunch?) about 11 years ago. it is hard. over the years someone drew a face on it. why i've kept it i have no idea, but i will and when i get a job it will come with me.

copperfielding

2010-10-19T19:06:00.002-05:00

i miss the days when my kids got confused over words and ended up mispronouncing or slaughtering a word or not understanding the concept.

when the boy was in kindergarten they had a makeup day at the end of the year because of a snow day that winter. when i explained they had to go to school because it was a makeup day he just looked at me oddly. then he innocently asked, "you mean i have to wear makeup to school today?" priceless.

the hubs still makes fun of the fact that i taught the kids at an early age the anatomically correct names for their body parts. i got tired of hearing i hurt my butt or i scratched my butt which meant anything below the waistline. they knew early on the proper terms. one day we were riding in the car and for some random reason the boy (who was probably 5-6) said something about a fudge-ina. the girl, in her more mature 8-9 year old wisdom said, hey stupid its va va va gina not fudge-ina; you don't eat it. i thought the hubs was going to drive off the road.

when the girl was a toddler and learning to say the pledge of allegiance she said...and to the republic for richard stands (instead of and to the republic for which it stands). she also said the first president was george watlington.

flash forward six years. driving home from the girl's orchestra performance tonight the term cop a feel came up. the poor boy. despite the fact he has the hubs and girl spilling forth their potty mouth knowledge on a daily basis, he doesn't quite get it all yet. she said cop a feel. he said what's that. what's copperfield? no stupid, cop a feel, and she grabbed his chest. he said oh no i've been copperfield!

tonight the reality of how fast time is flying by slapped me in the face. this was the last fall performance the girl will have in middle school. as we were standing in the hall afterwards, waiting for her to come out, the boy was leaning against the wall. this will be his school next year. he will be in this school...in sixth grade. middle school. she will be in high school. it just doesn't seem possible.

awesome read

2010-10-19T12:37:00.002-05:00

i finished the memory keeper's daughter. you have to read it. if you haven't and you want to, let me know and i'll send it to you. i am still soaking it in.

reading a good book is a lot like having sex. you get so caught up in it....you're in another dimension...on another planet. nothing else matters. you don't hear anything else. you don't think of anything else. you are completely absorbed in it. unlike sex i don't normally finish a book in one session. when you have to stop it is almost painful. you long to get back to it, though you know the more time you invest in it the closer you come to the ending and the parting. when you finish it is like you are emerging from a daze or waking up from a coma. you linger in the afterglow.

please read the memory keeper's daughter. you will not be sorry.

briefly--it is about a couple, a doctor and his wife. his wife goes into labor in the middle of a snowstorm in 1964. he delivers his son, with the aid of his nurse, in his office. unexpectedly there are twins, a boy and a girl. the girl has down's syndrome. he tells the nurse to take the baby girl to a "home" and tells his wife the baby girl died. the story that unfolds is tragic and sad and wonderful and full of heart.

lucky numbers

2010-10-15T13:06:00.002-05:00

it's friday and i'm filled with...exhilaration. an-ti-ci-pa---shun. i don't know why really. we have a busy weekend ahead--the girl has two soccer games and she has to help clean up a historic graveyard for community service (a requirement for the leadership program she's in at school). aside from the fact that we have to be there at 8:45 am, i'm thinking it might be a good photo-taking opportunity.

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the hubs' caddy needed two back tires today. it was making a funny noise (he'd just driven it about 500 miles this week). we took it to the shop today and the dude said one of the back tires was about to explode. lucky for us that didn't happen earlier this week when he was out of town.

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the hubs went in for the results of his blood work this morning. he goes every 3-4 months. the last time he was there the dr basically told him he was a walking time bomb and a stroke/heart attack death was right around the corner. today? excellent numbers. blood pressure, w/in normal range. weight, down about 30 lbs. sugar levels, down. bad cholesterol numbers, down. good cholesterol...this needs elevated. i need to do some research on how to increase good cholesterol numbers. the dr said drink a glass of wine a night. well, we have plenty of wine in this house, despite the fact that neither one of us really likes wine. overall it was a most excellent report and he will live to fight another day : )

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about 27 years ago we went on our first "official" date. it was to a fall carnival at my high school. this weekend we're celebrating our 18th wedding anniversary. celebrating is a big word...we won't be doing anything extraordinary, due to the lack of funds and the busy schedule, but, it's still amazing to think we've been together this long and i still love him. and still like him : )

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i have applied for four promising jobs in the last few weeks. i've applied for way more than that, but these four are actually jobs i wouldn't mind having. i found one of them today and really almost peed my pants. the ad for the job (a copywriting position) was irreverent and the website for the company engaging and the culture sounds so relaxed and creative. i need to work there. i went out on a limb and sent them my resume (i have no agency experience, which was one thing they were looking for) with an irreverent cover letter.

i told myself i would not do this, but i'm like my kids, i don't listen to me....i had two phone interviews yesterday. i wasn't going to say anything for fear of jinxing anything. one went very well, it was impromptu. the other was planned and the hr woman sounded quite harried and ready for the day to be over. she didn't sound very happy. quite a contrast to the impromptu interview i had a few hours before. that hr lady was excited and vivacious and in a great mood.

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i've told you how great the hubs is doing w/ his weight loss and exercise. he's committed. i am...lazy. i walk with him on the weekends...when we can walk before it gets dark. i'm watching what i eat. that's been the extent of my effort. last night i decided i needed to step up my game. i rode the stationary bike for three songs (and the damn abba cd was skipping so maybe it could count for four?). i thought my legs were going to burn off. if only it were that easy. then i rowed the rowing machine. i think it was for 50 reps. i don't know. it wasn't long. but, my arms hurt so i guess it was working.

he is cornholio

2010-10-13T09:37:00.003-05:00

i distinctly remember the first day he came home from he hospital. he was in a bassinet in the living room. my mom changed his diaper and he peed on the canopy of the bassinet. i knew then and there i wanted him to go back. i asked my parents to take him back. sadly, they'd really been trying for a second kid and wanted to keep him. he is six years younger than me.

it didn't help that up until then not only was i an only child, i was an only grandchild on both sides of the family. spoiled might be a fitting word, though i prefer precocious. within a year i not only had a baby brother but three boy cousins. i had lost my only grandchild status and only child status in one fell swoop. damn those breeders.

i suppose for a long time i really didn't like my brother. i'm sure it was a spoiled, jealousy thing. we tolerated each other for most of our childhood. we fought. we beat each other up. well, mostly back then i beat him up. that all changed one day when i came home from college for the weekend or a holiday (i can't remember which) and he was in high school. we liked each other more then, i guess we'd matured some, but we were horsing around in the kitchen and the moment he wrestled me to the floor and i couldn't get up i knew the tides had changed. he could kick my ass now.

the next few years we became closer. we shared adventures...usually involving a car and doing some damage to it. i let him drive my car once when i wasn't supposed to and we crashed into a tree. another time i fell asleep (BRIEFLY) at the wheel and we hit a guard rail. both events required lying to the parents and forged our solidarity.

as we became adults and started our families we had a rough few years of discord, but, for years now he has been one of my best friends. we don't talk every day or email every day....but...i love it when we do. even though we have different memories and experiences of our childhood and parents, their inability to be good parents brought us closer together. we learned to lean on each other and turn to each other for support, advice and love.

so many times he's made my day and not even realized it. he'd call me at work and tell me a horrible joke in one of his funny voices; or he (and the hubs) get together and reenact beavis and butthead. he is a cut up. a clown. he makes me laugh.

and, oddly enough...there are times when without even knowing it he's given me advice or shared something he's learned or heard and it makes me laugh or think. sometimes i feel like the younger sibling, looking to him for guidance. he's always been stronger when it comes to dealing w/ my parents. he's always had a stronger faith/conviction than i have. he's good w/ kids. he likes kids. my kids like him. they always know though....whatever you do to him (play a joke, rough house, etc.) he will bring it back to you tenfold.

we were talking on the phone last night and he told me that when puddin' (my baby niece) was changing clothes the other day her head was poking out of her shirt and she looked like cornholio : )

books, the arm and friends

2010-10-12T13:05:00.002-05:00

i finished the first sookie stackhouse book. i can't find the second one anywhere. holy shit. today i went to our little used paperback book store and hunted for them. she didn't have them but said she'd call me when she got some in. she also introduced me to a new author..well, new to me..in the same genre as stephen king. so i bought one of his books, robert maccullum is his name, and a book for the boy for his upcoming bday.

i am still reading the heart shaped box (it is ok...i want to love it because he's stephen king's son...but....it's just ok. i preferred 20th century ghost stories...his short story collection.) i also started the memory keeper's daughter. i feel like i've read this book before. it's about a couple who have twins--one has down syndrome and the husband (who's a dr who had to deliver his own twins in a snow storm) tells the nurse to take the baby girl (w/ downs) away before his wife realizes it.

the girl is as voracious a reader as i am. more so i think. she's found a new author and has been searching for a second book by this author. it came out today. she saved up her allowance and asked me to get it so she'd have it when she gets home from school. she just texted me to see if i'd gotten her book. like i could have forgotten. she mentioned it about elebenty billion times this morning. she wrote it on the dry erase board on the fridge. i love her love of reading.

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remember in the spring when i was having trouble w/ my right shoulder/arm? i went to physical therapy...i have some nerve issue and arthritis. it's in my left shoulder/arm now. ah. it has been for about a month. my left index finger has been sort of numb for weeks. i did get a refill scrip on anti-inflammatory meds. they help some. i've been doing all the exercises i learned in pt. they also help some. but, typing...holding things, laying flat, these things hurt like a mutherfucker.

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if you've been reading long you know how i struggle w/ being a friend. i always question my ability to be a good friend, and yet most of the reasons i question myself come from my relationship (or lack thereof) w/ just a few people. i have rekindled a great relationship w/ one of my bff's from high school. i can't even begin to express how good it feels. we had such good times in high school....it was such a pivotal time in our lives....and now she's back in my life, even though we're thousands of miles apart. i can close my eyes and hear her laugh. we email most every day. long emails. catching up emails.

i also have a couple of friends that no matter how long it's been since i've seen them...no matter what we've done in the months/weeks between visits...it's always still good. (sweet t i'm looking at you.) we may only get together for lunch once every couple of months, but there are emails in between. i still feel connected to them.

so, these things have made me think...maybe it's not that i'm a horrible friend, maybe it's just that i wasn't meant to be life-long friends w/ certain people. there's an email that makes the rounds every so often...some people come into your life for a season...etc. and maybe i need to stop and remember that. i need to quit feeling that there's something wrong w/ me or that i'm being left out of something because if i really and truly wanted to be included i could make the effort.

fear sets in

2010-10-12T09:13:00.002-05:00

i have been having disturbing dreams. last night i dreamt i was waiting tables at red lobster (like i did when i got out of college and when the hubs and i lived in OK). i couldn't do it. i was triple sat (had three tables sit down at the same time) and i couldn't get their drink orders fast enough. one table included my two dead grandmas, my mom and me as a preteen. they got their food before i even brought them their drinks. i was scrambling in the kitchen to get all of the drinks on my tray when a former boss (from three jobs ago) came up behind me and asked me why the hell i couldn't do this. i sat the drinks down and was then in my kitchen washing a never-ending pile of dishes and everyone was buzzing around the kitchen (from red lobster) talking about how we needed to start a fund to raise money for kids who couldn't go on field trips. i started bitching that i had two kids to send on field trips this year and i couldn't even fill my drink orders.

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i had another dream that i got a job at one of our local grocery stores and i had to ring up parents and people i knew who came in all the time.

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it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure these dreams out. i'm scared. scared of how long i've been out of work. scared i won't find a job, and if i do i won't be able to do it. this has been looming over us for so long; the freelance i was bombarded w/ took the edge off for awhile. it kept the fear at bay because i was being productive, i was making some money. then i learned that the person who had my last job before me was freelancing for my old magazine and that she is in las vegas covering the big trade show for them now. i also learned that someone who got laid off in the last round of layoffs--this summer--has just gotten a new job. all of this feeds into my what the hell is wrong with me why isn't anyone hiring me feeling. oy vey.

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this weekend our hair stylist had a fundraiser for breast cancer. she had raffles and several different stations set up in her salon, one of which was to get a semi-permanent pink streak in your hair. all of the proceeds go to breast cancer research. the girl and i got streaks. they are actually more magenta than pink, but the stylist said they would lighten up. they last about 4-5 weeks.

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today is my sil's birthday. no big birthday plans (she's out of work too). i can't help thinking how lucky i am to have her as a sister-in-law though. on the surface she is quiet and proper. it took a few years to get to know her, but she's not always quiet and proper. when we get together with them the hubs, bro and i are usually the loud mouths...but then the sil will throw something out there and it's all the more funny because it is so unexpected from her. she is an incredible mom. she is one of those mom's that really enjoys being with her kids. i mean we all enjoy our kids---but while some of us long for a night out or a day off or whatever....she never seems to. she is funny and kind and thoughtful....and a pretty good baker too : ) she is the sister i should have had. happy birthday!

it was early morning yesterday and i was up before the dawn

2010-10-08T05:46:00.002-05:00

well, in the fall/winter i'm up most days before the dawn, but that's not the point of this post.

there actually will be no discernible point, so if you're looking for one, just move along.

it is friday and i am so happy. i am meeting some friends for lunch (which i haven't done in months). the planets aligned just right so there are no soccer games or karate classes this weekend. we are actually going to try to catch my nephew gameboy's football game for a change.

the hubs had to go out of town last night for work, something he hasn't done in a long, long time. he called me yesterday so excited...he found a cleaver. yes, a meat cleaver. he likes smoking meat (among other things) and has been wanting a cleaver so he can chop his meat into proper bbq. the cleavers we've seen are $30+ and that just seems a bit expensive for...a cleaver. he found one for $14. he will be smoking a pork shoulder sunday. and playing with his cleaver.

we are raising leaders in our house. the boy is in the leadership program in karate. aside from the fact that this means his karate belts now have black stripes in them, it also means he is training to be a future instructor. the girl was nominated by her teachers to be on the hawk leadership team at school. good grades, model student...these are the things that qualify her to be on the team. they get to help plan events (like the end of year 8th grade celebration), some in school spirit stuff and field trips and participate in some community service activities.

we had to go to tarjay last night to get the boy some jeans. while the girl will try to wear shorts as long into fall/winter as she can get by w/...the boy would wear jeans all summer if i let him. honestly i don't care so much about him wearing jeans except that i always have to hem his jeans and that is a bitch of a chore. tarjay is a happy place. seriously. i got way to excited about this little throw rug that was on sale. it is bathmat size. turquoise. $2.48! how could i pass that up? so i didn't. and now it is a bathmat in my bathroom. forget the fact that the shower curtain is lilac. the walls are cream so turquoise and lilac match right? lol. there was another rug, about three times that size in black for $3.48. it's now laying on the boys floor covering up the high traffic area. score!

i am still reading the heartshaped box by joe hill (stephen king's son) but last night, because i have a hard time getting to sleep when the hubs isn't home, i started reading the sookie stackhouse books (the ones true blood are based on). i haven't really formed an opinion on them yet, other than so far the writing isn't as great as i thought it would be.

hump day ramblings

2010-10-06T10:24:00.002-05:00

sunday we started prepping the yard for fall/winter. we cleaned out the shed, got out the halloween decorations, put away flower pots and yard art that don't do well in freezing temps and emptied the fountains to put away. the hubs found this HUGE black widow and her egg sack inside the bottom of one of the fountains. you can't really tell from the pic, but that bitch is the size of a pea! she's been living in the fountain that sits on our patio. beside the house. the fountain my sweet niece puddin' plays in all summer long. GASP! needless to say--the black widow is dead now.

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i think i can safely say it is full on fall here now. the temps in the mornings are in the 40s-50s and i don't think it's been above 80 during the day all week. i love this time of year. it's crisp and the leaves are starting to fall. that of course means raking--we have a ton of trees in the back yard so there is always raking to be done. october is a busy month for us--our anniversary, the boy's birthday, my nephew gameboy's birthday, my sil's birthday--plus of course the ongoing karate and soccer. and halloween : ) my fave holiday. i fear our years of trick-or-treating are coming to an end soon. the girl is 13 and the boy 10 and when i asked the boy if they were dressing up and trick-or-treating this year he said yeah, but we won't get as much candy as the cute little kids.

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i'm wrapping up the last of my freelance work this week. although it has been in a pain in the ass writing these stupid press releases, it has earned us money. i don't have any other freelance gigs on the horizon just yet, but i still have hope.

while we were in wv the other weekend one of my uncles gave me his business cards and asked me if i could write. (yeah, he knows me SO well.) i have no idea what he does and couldn't tell from his business card either. i emailed him my resume and told him what i can do, etc. yeah...it's been a week and i haven't heard from him. really?

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i am a nosey nelly. curious. the girl's soccer coach and his family intrigue me. i'm guessing he's in his late 30s, early 40s and his wife (the helper coach) said she was 25. they have one adopted daughter who is in 8th grade. i know she's adopted because 1) the girl has heard her talk about being adopted in school and 2) she looks hawaiian or something and the coaches are caucasian. they also have a son who is 10-12. if this is their son that means the mom had him when she was 15-13. then their is another daughter, maybe 6-7 yrs old. she calls the coach by his name and the mom, mom. she is bi-racial. then there is another boy who's a toddler. i am fascinated by this family. like who is who's parent etc. i don't know why. soooo not my business. but shit like that intrigues me.

how to turn your garage into a gym

2010-10-02T19:41:00.002-05:00

first you have to park your cars in the driveway. despite the fact that one of the things the hubs loved about this house was the two-car garage, there have rarely been cars in it since we moved in 8 yrs ago. sometimes there has been so much shit in there we couldn't get a skateboard in, let alone two cars, but for about a year (this time) we've had the space to park the cars inside and just haven't. doesn't seem to be as big of an issue except in winter.

when the hubs started his lifestyle change a little more than a month ago, he used his birthday money to by some free weights and a jump rope. the karate instructor gave him some extra floor mats for padding the concrete floor. his routine so far has been walking about a mile and a half every night and lifting weights every other night and karate twice a week.

we have been searching for some free/cheap workout equipment. the hubs fell in love w/ an elliptical on qvc, but seriously, spending $400+ just isn't in the budget, even if it is only 5 easy payments of $85 (although we did use that easy pay deal to get a new vacuum since mine is near death. actually, i think it is a zombie vacuum, but it's ok because my new ORECK came yesterday. omg. i've never, ever had a REAL vacuum cleaner.) after working out at the hotel gym last weekend he decided a bike might be an acceptable substitution.

earlier this week i scoped out our local goodwill. two decrepit looking bikes, a big ass treadmill (too expensive) and a third bike (and these are all stationary btw) that looked like it was made w/in the last 5 years and was an option. it of course was gone hours later when the hubs went to look at it. today we scoped out a thrift store, another goodwill and a second thrift store and ....score! we got a rowing machine AND a stationary bike for $50!

don't get me wrong--i do like the walking we've been doing. however, i don't like walking in the dark (which is what the hubs has been doing, alone, this week) and i don't like walking in the rain (which he also did this week), so the equipment gives us something to do other than walking. plus, i think rowing/riding a bike burn more calories than walking.

waging a war

2010-10-01T07:41:00.002-05:00

a few weeks ago the boy's karate instructor sent a book home w/ the boy for me to read...the war of art, by stephen pressfield. it laid on the kitchen counter for a few days because i was skeptical. the book is thin. there is nothing outwardly exceptional about it. and frankly i have lost any good feeling/mojo i have toward his instructor and therefore didn't think his book recommendation could amount to much. (re: the instructor--i don't doubt that he knows karate, but...his business/people skills are non-existent and i feel like most of the time he's just coming up w/ new shit to hawk because business is so bad. kinda like a snake oil salesman.)

the book is short. sometimes chapters are a paragraph long. the book talks about how to win your inner creative battles--whether you're a writer or musician or artist or whatever. it talks about honoring the muse. it talks about the difference between writing because you have to and writing because you have to. in other words--writing because the words are jumping out of you and the story has a mind of its own and the muse is driving the work out of your vs. looking around to see what the market wants and selling out, not following your heart, being a hack. he talks about how resistance is the enemy.

you could read the book in 30 minutes. really. but you'll probably want to read it more than once to let everything soak in. my dilemma is getting from reading it to putting it into action. i was encouraged by the fact that the author struggled for years before he was officially published. even w/ that...he wrote something he was interested in that he didn't think had any chance of being published, that his agent didn't think would get published...such a tiny niche...the book? the legend of bagger vance.